How To Properly Date Yourself or Table For 1

Sherly Crow-If It Makes you Happy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vA-PcyACc40

For those of us not in a commited relationship with someone other than ourselves I think its important to know how to properly date yourself.

First-Ask yourself out. Say yes. Dont be shy.

Second-Dress up a bit. Your worth it. Look good.

Third-Pick where you want to go. Anything. Anywhere.

Fourth-Pick yourself up on time. Being late is rude.

Fifth-Open your mind to all the possibilities of scenarios and people you could meet or interact with. The world is full of them. Other People.

Six-Open the door and walk through it.

I recenty got asked out by myself and I accepted. I also decided to go to the Olive Garden for my date. Nothing like a good salad and pasta. I looked cute and had a bounce in my step and a little smile on my face as I entered the restaurant.

"Table for 1 please" I said confidently. As I walked past all the other families and dates to my solo table, I started to feel a bit weird. All by myself. Then I remembered I was on a date and not really alone.

I cozied up and perused the menu and quicly decided on my dinner. The harried waitress seemed relieved I knew what I wanted and rushed away. I scanned the big room of all the people and landed on a family of 3 small children and the 2 parents. Fun to watch.

My meal came and I enjoyed every morsel. I watched the family eating and talking and at one point the Dad got up to take his toddler son to the bathroom. The boy couldn't have been over 10 or 12 months and was very determined about placing one foot in front of the wobbly other while his Dad held his hand to walk.

They walked at the toddlers pace and were walking toward me. My mind wandered off to my now teenaged sons first steps. When toddler boy reached my table he stopped and looked directly at me smiling at him and said a loud "HI!" Now anyone with kids or a heart will understand that there is nothing more premium than a smile from a genuine person. A child. The kind of smile that goes from ear to ear and their eyes smile back at you as well. Children don;t know prejudice or color or hate or anything ugly at this age. They just ARE sincere and genuine. Beautiful works of art. I started laughing and the Dad chuckled to at his son's sudden cute outburst too. It was like the boy was saying "Hi, Im new here, on this earth. And I'm feeling groovy and just had to let you know". So HI!

I'm glad I got out of the house. It was one of the best dates I ever had.

"Courage is being scared to death ~ but saddling up anyway" - John Wayne

From the A.D.H.D mind.......

My dogs dont care if Im a freak. They dont care if I burst out in a song from my Ipod outloud and jig about the room. They dont care if I slap my own ass and sing into my thumb pretending itsa microphone. They dont care if I point at them while singing the lyrics to Brick House.....they just dont care and I adore them for that. If I had a cat it would probably huff and turn its head in disgust. Dogs look amused.

Who IS this "Buck" fellow and how did he get a last name like "Naked"?

I figure you can either run shit, or eat shit. Which one do you prefer? They both have their pros and cons.

In my opinion people are like dog/animal packs because they either:

-Fight
-Flight
-Submit
or
-confront
-avoid
-agree

What do you think? About anything? Am I the only one who thinks weird shit like this. I personally like it.

Hugs
Kristen

Half Baked

A fitting Poem by Walt Whitman-O Pioneers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAvKGeoWqyw&feature=related

Like some of you, I've dated quite a bit at my current age of 44. I could delve really deep into the sordid details of what makes a date or a man a good one or a bad one but I'll save that for another rant. I have a ton of juicy stories on that topic. Personally, Im a risk taker. I've never been afraid of the unknown. i like challenges. I am stupid and quite possibly a masochist. Hold your nose and jump into the deep end. Sink or swim. I'm just not made to be a bystander. I like to participate. I relish in any experience where I can learn something about myself, the world and the people in it. Its the most rewarding and fucking frustrating attitude to have. We all have choices. Ain't that a bitch?

Age. Numbers. How many minutes, hours, days, years we have lived on earth and what have we become to this point and what have we learned and what can we give back to those we care about? I think the scariest shit is actually doing a self assesment. Yikes! Somebody stop me?

Ive dated 15 years younger and 27 years older than myself. When I say 'date' let me bluntly say...slept with, knocked boots, gotten jiggy, howled like a wolf, and enjoyed purposely getting naked and made love with these people with gusto and passion. Im not talking a huge number, but enough to come to this conclusion....age does matter. AND age doesn't mean a damn thing. Its the person behind the number.

I tend to be attracted to men with higher intellects. I admit to getting bored easily and if a guy can stir my brain..Im all in. My loins follow my brain. If he can challenge me in a positive way, I'm all in. If I can learn something or have discussions ranging from the extremely juvenile (I think farts and burps are funny as hell) to debating who had a clearer understanding of the Universe in philisophical theory and transcending one's self (Nietzsche, Tolle, Ram Dass, Emerson etc), I'm all in. If a guy can fart and burp WHILE discussing philosophy...well thats just an added bonus in my opinion. The cherry on top.

To date I haven't found what I'm looking for. To date I have found what I'm looking for, just not in 1 person. I bet all of you have at one time or another wished you could smash all the amazing qualities from all these relationships you've had into 1 Perfect Man or Woman. I think it's really rude that you can't. Dammit! But I get what I need from the array of friends I have. I'm lucky, but I also put the time in with these awesome people and they do the same with me. True Friends. My Tribe I call them.

Shit, I had a point. Having A.D.D can really rock if you can stay focused. Obviously it's not my strong point, that focus thingy. OH. Age. I think I'm happiest in the long term with someone closer to my age, give or take a few years. People are at a certain stage at certain times and there really is no way around that. But I've met young people with old souls and older people with young souls. Go figure. Time and experience. You can't fake that or be a poser in those areas. Its an absolute. Like beauty, it just is.

I recently dated a guy 10 years younger and though he had an extremely high IQ and could have kept my interest probably for the rest of my life.... he was half baked. Not his fault. He just simply wasn't done cooking. I wanted to hug him and slug him at the same time for some of the simple courtesies he either lacked or didn't deem important enough to show me. Only time and experience may solve or fill the holes in his character, his persona and how he treats others in his life. It sucked because I accidently fell in love. I think I fell in love with the dream of what my life could be like with someone amazing, maybe not the person. I'm not sure. but it was definately love. I learned alot about what I do want and don't want. Everything counts. It was difficult letting go of a dream but not the guy. Does that make sense? Shove him back in the life oven in hopes he will evolve to that toasty yummy golden color we all seek in a friend or relationship. We were at very different places in our lives. Time. Love helps me write. Its a muse and so was he. That half baked boy.....

I also dated a guy for 3 years about 15 years ago. We were 4 years apart in age. We were in love but over time and both of us being true Alphas, we butted heads instead of hearts, even though we had the exact same goals and dreams. Our egos and pride got in the way. What each of us thought was important grew to be different. We broke up. 10 years passed. We went our separate ways. He looked me up. We connected again as just people. We both had grown, our attitudes matured and we are the very best of friends to this day. He and I often laugh at both of our shortcomings from years ago. People hopefully do evolve positively over time. I just think its fanfuckingtastic when you run into people you knew in the way past and you connect again, both of you being different, better people. We talked of trying it again but we weren't the same people anymore. He is another high ranking member of My Tribe and I couldn't imagine my life with him. He is one of the very few men I respect in character and I love him completely. Time.

There was this other guy that was 20 years older than me. It started out on a mutually understood sexual level and it was very cosmic. Tantric. Amazing. Like a chick I fell in love with the whole man. I realized my heart is an involuntary muscle. Same with the guy that was 10 years younger. Damn betraous, torturous heart. Ahhh, heavan and hell. I wanted more than he could give (what a shocker) me so we ended the relationship with me cursing the male gender again. We didn't communicate for a long time. We connected again and the great thing is we left the past in the past. We just started over as very informed friends. This guy was simply to amazing and golden inside to dismiss him completely from my life because I didn't get my way with his heart. To date he is actually the person who has made the most monumental contributions to my evolment as a person and a woman. So I love him dearly as my friend without ego or pride and its freeing and true. I learned that older men seem to be more grounded, gentle and kind in their views and attitudes about life and love. Time.

Personally I think people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I think thats written on some sappy greeting card somewhere but I believe it. The Universe works in funny, shitty, crystal clear and completely fogged ways. All I truly know is that since I choose to ask the questions and may not like all the answers or understand completely, I'm fucked. And lucky. Time.

Keep baking. Keep mining. Seek golden.

~Kristen

Fish On

I'm the type of woman that prefers worm guts under her fingernails than going shopping for shoes. Any day. I'd rather read a field guide on fishing in Oregon to Cosmo. Any day. I'm not a morning person (shut up Carol:-) but I'll get up at 4am to fish. Any Day.

One of my best memories of fishing was when I was 24 or so. I was dating a rather efeminate guy named Mork (names have been changed to protect real outdoorsmen) who's hands were softer than mine if you get my drift. He wasn't the 'manly man' type I'm usually attracted to. The word metro-sexual hadn't been invented way back then. He spent more time on his hair than I did and I had alot of hair to do. It was the 80's.

Any chance I got to take a trip it would be somewhere on Oregons amazing coastline. Its peppered with great little towns full of relaxed people who don't really care about hair do's and the current fashion trends. Its also salted with the glorious sea air and sounds and views of the Pacific ocean. It has tons of docks, lakes, bays, rivers and eddys to fish from. Oregon's coastline is perfectly seasoned. Who's Eddy?

Mork and I took ourselves and my chocolate cocker spanial Cocoa (original name huh?) to Garabaldi/Rockaway to spend the weekend. We'd been dating for about a year and we got along like peas and carrots and laughed alot together. He was not an outdoorsy kind of guy in ANY sense of the word and failed to understand my need to touch a worm or a slippery fish. When we were packing the car for the trip I brought out my fishing pole and tackle box and brought it to the trunk and Mork asked "What are you gonna do with those?" With pole in hand I said " Uhm, I thought Id do my fuckin laundry honey". Some peoples boyfriends. Sheesh.

I'd stopped on Friday night on our way into town at the local tackle shop to pick up some worms and ask where the fish were biting while Mork sat in the car. I think I told him I was picking up laundry soap and can't remember if he called me a smart ass or not. Probably. Its part of the reason we got along so well, calling eachother on our crap with a smile and humor. Sometimes I still miss him. The dork.

Those of you that do enjoy fishing know this feeling....you wake up uber early and under normal circumstances you'd throw the alarm clock across the room for the ungodly hour it woke you. But not today. You shimmy into your clothes, (boys throw clothes on, sexy fishing girls shimmy) picking shabby jeans because your going to be wiping fish blood and worm guts on them. Put the coffee on and throw some snacks in a bag. You fill a thermos, grab your dog and stuff and practically skip to the car. Though I've never spotted a man skipping to go fishing, I bet they do when no one is watching.

Its still dark and I realize in my exuberance I got up to early. Oh well. I take a nip from the pint of brandy I'd brought simply for medicinal purposes should I get snake bit or mauled by a bear (My Dad tought me well) and Cocoa and I sit in the car at Lake Lytle in Rockaway only a few blocks from the motel Mork still slept at. The sky was finally starting to lighten and I reveled in that feeling that I was the only one awake in the world or at least here on my Oregon Lake. The air was still and it was so silent. So quiet. I couldn't even hear the ocean just across Highway 101.

There was a dense fog that lay on top of the lake about 6 inches high. It was mesmerizing and beautiful and a little scary as my imagination could picture some heinous lake monster emerging with green crap dripping from it and it wanting to eat my dog, steal my brandy and possibly have its way with me. No monsters emerged but a deer did. It was light now and Cocoa and I were sitting crossed legged on the long dock just breathing and getting my pole ready to fish. This deer came out of the bushes to our right and walked daintily across the road toward the North end of the lake. It was so quiet out I could hear its hooves go crunch crunch across the gravel road. It walked down the small embankment and simply walked into the lake.

For some reason my dog didn't get excited and just sat and watched with me as the deer swam across the lake with its head bobbing in and out of the fog as it swam. Sunbeams burst out from over the tops of the Eastern mountains and lit up the lake and the deer. Fanfare For The Comman Man by classical composer Copeland played in my head. Breathtakingly beautiful. The deer swam and swam and it finally reached the eastern shore and just walked out and it stopped and turned to look at us as if to say "Liked that? didja?" and it shook itself off and trotted into the woods. Way cool.

So I cast my line on the now barely foggy lake and enjoyed the sound of zzzzzzz sound when you cast your line and the sun was finally on my face. Life is grand. I was fishing with a bobber and it took about 60 seconds before I got a hit. Quick jerk, hook set and I reel in my first trout. Nice. Today I just might be catching and not just fishing. I pulled the fish up and onto the dock, held it down, removed the hook and put it on my stringer I hoped to fill. Honestly I always feel a little guilty about killing anything in nature. Even if these trout were planted and stocked here by the Oregon wildlife and game people for the enjoyment of people like me...its still made me feel guilty. The fish was still flopping a bit and gasping for oxygen and I swear its eyeball turned to me and his moving mouth was saying "Thanks biotch. I was just at breakfast with my school friends and look what you did. Well you better enjoy my fine, 10 inch ass and eat me while I'm fresh and I hope you choke on my bones". I swear. It said that. Bonk! with my leathermans tool and no more conversations with said fish happened. Fish on.

Alot of stocked lake fish are mushy and skinny and small. Not these babies. I was reeling in really fat 8-14 inch rainbow trout like they were waiting for me. I was in fishy heaven and was halfway to getting close to my daily limit of trout. People who slept in and didn't get to enjoy the fog or the deer started showing up. Cocoa and I snagged the best end spot of the dock because I could cast to the deeper parts of the lake. A group of 3 REAL outdoorsmen came to the end where I was all wearing the fisherman vests with all the pockets for flies and other gear. They were putting fancy lures on their lines and out of the corner of my eye I saw one of them elbow the other and cocked his head in my direction like " Check out the dumb chick trying to fish with a bobber". One of them asks me with a definate superior tone, " Whatcha doin?" My first instincual response was to say "I'm doin my fuckin laundry Einstein" But I didn't. I just ignored them.

So they're casting and reeling and get no hits. 30 miniutes go by and I'd reeled in 3 more fat trout. It had slowed down a bit as the sun warmed the water and more people disturbed the quiet lake. My back was to them so they did not see what type of bait I was using. and as I ceremoniously and sloooowly put my third fish on my stringer that just happened to be in the 3 dudes eyesight, I was feeling pretty happy and a little smug because I mean...I'm justa dumb girl fishing with her puppy dog and using a girly neon pink and white bobber right? Riiiiiiiiight.

I reel in 2 more and thats my limit for the day. I pull my string of 10 fat trout out of the water and probably a little harder and louder than necessary, slap my catch on the dock and stand up. All 73 inches of me. I wish I had my camera with me to capture the dropped jaws and look on those 3 guys faces. Classic. As I grabbed my stuff and walked past them to leave 1 guy asked me, in these exact words.."Hey girly, whadya use for bait?" Without stopping to look at him I said "Itsa ancient Norweigan secret" and the 2 other guys busted up laughing and I stopped and tossed the 1 guy who never made a smart ass comment to me my container of unused worms and kept walking to my car.

I went back to the motel where Mork was still sleeping and after washing up attacked him in the very best way I knew to wake a boyfriend up. It was a glorious beach trip full of everything I could want and for dinner I tasted the best trout ever put on this earth.

Mother Nature was showing off that day and my love for Her deepened even further. I'm never lonely out in nature. Ever.

I'll take fishing over shopping. Any day.

Slug em & Hug em

The theme song for todays blog is:
Rock On by David Essex
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_mzadEFuP4



Men. Boys. Those people with penises. Those dudes from Mars. Yes, THEM. Jesus, Joseph and merciful Mary mother of God can I get a valium? Industrial size bottle please?

Don't misunderstand me. I love em. Boys and men. I have a son. Hes a boy. I have a Dad and a brother. They are men. I love them to the depths of my soul. The rest of them I want to slug the crap out of. Often and with verve. (For my best gfriend and cousin Carla-verve means with special ability or talent, with spirit and enthusiasm.) Carla helps me balance my checkbook and do my taxes and I explain any word longer than 4 letters to her. Itsa win/win situation for both of us.

I dated this one guy who told me I was like that girl on the playground that threw rocks at you or slugged you in the arm because she liked you. That summed me up accurately I thought. I then explained to him that I threw rocks at him because he's a retarded boy who possibly ate to much lead based paint chips as a smaller boy and wasn't paying close attention nor giving me the desired response I wanted so I'd peg him the head with a flying rock. Jeez, its certainly not MY fault he couldn't clearly read the bright neon sign above my head that said "I like you alot you dumb fucker".

Sheesh. Maybe I should tell those people from Mars that I have a right arm loaded with rocket fuel, throw like a dude, played first base in co-ed baseball and my aim is true. Or maybe if I just tell them that if they see my right arm wind up and cock back they might want to run, duck or hit the dirt. Some people with penises have better eyesight than others I guess. Piss me off and see what I'll throw. A shot put? A discus? Those could do some real damage. Retard, possible lead paint chip eater boy I actually adored. My jeans are getting to tight to carry rocks in my pocket anyways. Maybe all my girlfriends and I should give remedial reading classes to boys. Nah, that wouldn't work. The travel time and distance between Venus and Mars is kinda vast. As soon as they make travelling at light speed a reality, let me know. Please. Throw a rock at my head if you have to.

Instead of having to spend my time and energy throwing rocks at dumb boys, I'd rather wrap my arms around a guy and just hug em nice and warm and genuine. I love a good, solid hug that lasts awhile and you can feel the persons energy. I also dig it when you look at eachother after the hug and a big grin breaks out on both your faces because your together. A smile thats uncontrollable. Those really rock. Hugs rock and rock and rock.

Now if I can just get them to come close enough to hug them. I could bring candy bars to school and maybe bribe a few. Nah. Its not the same if they don't hug you because it just feels right and good. I'll eat the candy bars with my girlfriends and plot our next strategic move on how to get good boys to not be stupid. We better by stock in Hersheys chocolate girls. Alot of candy bars will need to be eaten.

~Kristen

Tis better to have loved and lost.....

......then never to have loved at all. Who said that? Voltare I think. If Im wrong, please correct me. I am as blind as they come. I'm as clueless and informed as the rest. But I'm smart, stupid and maybe brave enough to follow my heart, instincts and inner passions. I know what I like and love. I hope you all find it too. Love. Passion. Purpose. Don't misunderstand me, I'm as lost and confused as everyone. But I do know for a fact that there are an infinite array of shades between black and white...between love and hate. Sometimes the lines are so close they are barely visible. Keep seeking. The only other true fact I know is I don't want a life without love. But thats just me. How do you want to live your life?

The song is Enigma-Je T'Aime Till my Dying day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0k0ZmRRl7ws&feature=related

Play it now if you can and keep reading if you choose. Play it over and over. Sometimes I pretend I am talking to my God. Listening. I cry because he said He will love me until his dying day and I know He doesn't just want to just fuck me or try and use me because I was born with a vagina and He made me and made me perfect. I cry because He loves me unconditionally. He loves me in all my perfect imperfections and laughs with me because He also made Murphys Law. My God has a definate sense of humor. I couldn't understand Him if He didn't. It makes total sense and I can't pretend I really grasp any of it. I just keep trying. Thank you God for giving me tenaciousness and Faith. You Rock dude! And I think your fucking warped. I'm positive of that.

There are alot of video versions and remakes from this song but I chose a simple nature one. As love should be. Natural. Free. Constant. Of the Earth and all heavenly bodies that surround each of us. Stay open. If you keep closed and guarded to keep the bad crap out, your not really able to let the good shit in. Im going to try and stay on track here but please bare with me. I'm a feeling and passionate person. I am very ignorant and very child like in my attitudes because being an adult is the scariest shit ever and I don't want to be one some days. I just want to watch cartoons, poop, and wait to be called to dinner by my family.

This song makes me cry. Not always but often. When I'm by myself and no one is looking, I plug it in and hit the play button. I let go. Its so fantastic and freeing. I use this piece of music to remind myself why I endure the pain, the passion, the angst, torment, the gut ripping shit I personally am a fan of. Love. It peels away the armor I think I bravely and nobely put there to protect my heart and choiceless soul. I roll like a pig in sweet shit at the memory of those that I have loved. Past tense. Present tense. The future. Maybe my descripitive words sound negative, but they aren't meant to be. I'm just a realist. I try to be pragmatic but I fall short often.

Love is boundless and everywhere. The really fucked up part is we are all so afraid to reach out, without ego or pride and ask for it. Seek it. I'm done being prideful. Admittedly that is my worst habit of those 7 Sins things. Pride. The big kick in the face is when you decide to just let go of that rope you hang onto to keep shit inside you, and safe. Safe is for sissys and thats just isn't me. I want that wonderous free flowing love that is selfless, giving, warm and welcoming. It is understanding and kind and has a sense of humor. It knows when to reach out and touch every fiber of my being like electricity and it knows when to give me my space. It knows how amazing I am and what a true pain in the ass I can be. Like we all can be. It knows when to hold me close and sooth me and it knows when to kick my ass in the proper direction, should I wander off course.

The love I want will look me in the eye and tell me I'm full of shit and would I care to rephrase that comment I said out of anger or confusion. The love I want will encourage me in my passions, even if they don't totally understand them. The love I want will ask me what it needs from me. The love I want will cry with me at all the hateful, hurtful, disgusting atrocities us humans pile on eachother. It will laugh with me at all the really warped crap out there we all see but are afraid to admit we find funny too. The love I want will grow and learn and evolve and shoot out of the ground like a crocus in Spring, even through thick muddy dirt. It will rise. Always. Eventually. The love I want will know I do not have a crystal ball and gently remind or ask me how my love can help them. The love I want will run naked in the warm Summer rain and fall naked hot and laughing with me in the mud and make sweet, hot, passionate love to my body and brain. The love I want will understand the joy of peeing in nature like a wolf and even making love like one. Its all so simply glorious!

We are born of this earth and we live on it. This beautiful blue orb. We are ruining it. Its inane and stupifying to me. It renders me speechless (a rarity) and motionless sometimes because I can't believe that as we have evolved from a single cell (my opinion) we have increasingly found ways to really fuck shit up on the only thing we have to sustain us humans. We have let other multi celled creatures die off. To become extinct. Why can't we all simply LOVE eachother? Nuture and lift eachother up to wonderful heights? Why can't we drop the pride and greed crap and all live in one unified...across the globe, kind of way? Why do the rich get fatter and the poor suffer? I hate that shit! Ahhh, My A.D.D is kicking in. Imagine that. I'm trying to stay positive here and I always need help. We are so....ignorant and selfish. Why are we waiting for someone else to solve these problems that blare at us from our electronic information and recreation boxes we have in every room of our homes?

There is an immediate force to be reckoned with and its called the power of 1. You. There is an immediate force within you, the 1, its called love. Try it, cast it out to those around you that you deem worthy. Throw out some love. Bait your line with it. I'm certain someone will bite that hook. I wonder how much you'll reel in? Try it. I dare you.

Love. Glorious, golden, light heavenly love. Unconditional and free flowing. My kinda love. My dream. Dreams rock. Never give up on your dreams and never let a bad experience or person take anything golden out of you. If you do, they won. Thats the only thing I'll keep score of. Icky people 9. Golden people 100. We win. You decide. Your world. Your Life. Your love. Use it all wisely but use it or lose it my brothers and sisters. You people here with me. Again, choices.

What kind of love do you want? What kind of love to you have to offer? In my opinion, true love is selfless and without expectation of reciprocation. True love is when you become more whole by giving than receiving. True love is not martyrdom or remotely measurable. Just love people. Treat others like a brother or sister. How did something so glorious and right become so convoluted and fucked up? Something that can wound and cut us so deep? Make us afraid of it? Run and hid from it? Its my one of my many eternal questions and Im not going to stop asking, looking or loving because sometimes those we either choose to or accidently love.....don't love us back as good as we think we deserve. Then take your licks, dress your wounds, but heal. Kick the dirt. Be pissed off. Shake your fist at your God for letting you see cruelty or unjustness. Just please DO NOT fold here.

The world needs love so bad. Shit, we all do. If your shaking your head because you don't agree then your a liar. The truth can really suck. Love can really suck. Life can suck. But if truth and love aren't worth fighting for then fucking roll over and die. Give up. Fold you coward. Slap your hand of cards on the table, stand up, knock your chair over and declare your failure to live and love and contribute to the free world you are blessed enough to live on. Move aside then! Admit defeat and move on quick because there are armies of people who wish they sit where you did. It's fine. Its a choice. My only personal hope is that anyone who folds, becomes the wiser and evolves into a better person for the experience. Good or bad. Being open to love is a choice. Not all of us are cut out for the challenge.

If you declare that you do not need or require love...I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for your attitudes and I'd personally like to kick the shit out of the person or people that clouded your heart to get you to that point. Sincerely. It's definately a battle sometimes and I'm thankful my God gave me all the tools, wisdom, faith, hope and weapons I need to continue to fight for what I deem worthy. I know I won't win all the battles but I will win the war. I know it sucks to have to fight....but dammit, fight for what you need. No one cares about you more than you should. Fight for your life. I hope you find true love, clarity and personal freedom and simple exact beauty in everything you pursue.

Love rules. Love rocks. If it was always easy to obtain then it wouldn't be so cherished now, would it?

Love,
Kristen



SUCCESS is having peace within yourself and
joy in serving others that they too may find it.
May you have the light of hope, direction, and strength to be the person, the soul you were meant to be.

Defragged and Rebooted

Don't you ever just feel like some kind of machine? I know I do. Like pulsing electricity and a jumble of firing wires. Sometimes they go where they are supposed to, connect to and sometimes its like a downed power line thats spitting and jumping and flayling under its own power trying to find what it needs to be connected to. Sometimes I even freak myself out. Sometimes I freak others out. Sometimes I decide not to filter a damn thing when I write. Why should I? It's my shit and how I feel or perceive or react. Whatever. I personally am not responsible for others perceptions or interpretations. It is interesting though the range of reactions it sparked......

After I wrote and posted "Kristen's New Dating Site Ad" I received several calls and even more emails from people who care about me. That part rocked. The part that didn't rock was having to 'justify' why I wrote it. Normally I wouldn't even give a shit to even bother replying. Obviously the piece made some bells go off somewhere in some people. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for stopping whatever else you were doing to take the time to respond. I didn't ask for responses so I guess they meant more to me that they came. It was unexpected.

The responses ranged from "Haha, good one...a talking sphincter indeed", "Do you want me to hunt the bastard down that did this to you", "Do you want some company?", "Wow you sure sounded angry and hurt", to "God your such a monumental sarcastic smart ass".

Yes on the talking sphincter, no do not hunt anyone down cause I'm not vindictive, sure come over and change my views, Gee..YA THINK I sounded angry and hurt? Fuckin duh. and yes yes yes on being a smart ass. Its how I deal. How I roll. Its my M.O baby. Modus Operandi.

To put anyones mind at ease, especially my own, I am happy to report that even having every human attribute in question in the above mentioned piece snubbed out, I am fine. Even though my core foundation was severely cracked by the exclusion of simple compassion by another, actually I should say others as it was a culmination of many people....I am fine. Finer than fine. Closer to fine even. It just took me a little longer this time to stand straight up after the blow. Big fucking blow. You understand. Thank God Im in The Union. Thank God for My Tribe.

Look. See. Listen. Its how I feel, really.
Indigo Girls-Closer To Fine (will open in a separate window)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o27ugtK3i4w

AND...Spring is officially here! Wooohoo. So, here....

As I walk. as I walk.....
The Universe is walking with me.
In beauty it walks before me.
In beauty it walks beside me.
In beauty it walks behind me.
In beauty it walks below me.
In beauty it walks above me.
Beauty is on every side of me.
Beauty envelopes me.
Beauty walks with me
As I walk, as I walk.
Beauty.

~Kristen



SUCCESS is having peace within yourself and joy in serving others that they too may find it.
May you have the light of hope, direction, and strength to be the person, the soul you were meant to be.