To breathe or not to breathe.

To breathe or not to breathe...thats my question today. Sometimes its questionable.

Its Sunday afternoon, March 1st and its cold, gray and fiercely windy outside and it fits my mood perfectly. The last 14 days or so have literally kicked the living stuffing out of me. Like a donkey kicked me repeatedly. Just as I was about to stand up. Blam! Another kick. Fucking donkeys anyways. They're all asses. Ive gotten used to life, at least my life, being a series of ebbs and flows.......and tsunamis, earthquakes, hurricanes, lightning and thunder, cyclones and just pure shit storms. Its life.

I learned along time ago that the trick is to just keep getting up and dusting yourself off. If you need help, ask. Survey the damage around you, if any, and fix what you can, walk away from what you can't and learn how not to let it happen again in the future. There are no mistakes friends. There is only experience.

Lets see, my personal 2 week survey would include, but not limited to, the following pure Shit Storm.

-While trying to be productive in washings bedspreads and blankets, I overloaded and broke my washing machine. Water everywhere. Super. I have piles of cash saved for emergencies. Not.

-This guy I really fuckin like the best has to move to New Mexico for work. Like, pack up your life and kid and leave your family and get established and ready to start work or your job is in jeopardy and uhm...can you do it in 2 weeks or else? Neat. Its a great move for his career so I am supportive and encouraging. Its big shit. The move isn't forever and its only time and distance right? I declare I'll help in any way possible because he's really freaked out about the change. Understandable. I shove aside my own shit momentarily so I can give him my 100%. I know how to multi-task and get shit handled and done. He was in a Catagory 5 storm and I was willing to jump in beside him to help him ride out the storm. Even fight that twat Mother Nature if it came to that. Apparantly men don't like that quality in a woman. Read on.....

-I got stood up on my Valentines Day date. The Likey guy. I had other options but he canceled at the last nanosecond. How thoughtful. I understood his gears hopped. The bitch was I knew how to fix it. Fuck me. Being a loyal friend like a shiny golden dog doesn't get you shit. Ouch.

-While driving home from a fun sunday drive my car farted out a meaningful part and I had to get towed home. Got stoned while waiting and the sun was out. No big deal. Just annoying sitting along the highway praying a zillion ton semi doesn't bash into you because your a foot over the white line and in the path of traffic. No worries. Be happy.

-I was stressing over money and bills because a 18 month roomate disappeared like a coward in the night cause he owed me 800 bucks in back rent. I know. I'm such a bitch for not letting a grown man, able bodied man live here for free. The nerve of me for yelling at him. Ooops. I need to work on my confrontational attitude. I was so out of line.

-PGE electric comany man pounds on my door and smiling asks me for $256.00 bucks kinda like NOW or he is here to shut off my electricity. I smiling hand PGE man a bad check in hopes I can cover it before they cash it. Oh the joy of being a responsible adult.

-I can barely walk because while trying to do something positive for myself and lose some major poundage I go for a long walk with my friend and dogs in the woods and am repayed by a messed up knee so bad they prescribe major pain meds for relief. Neat. That was my good right knee and since I limped on my left side before, and with my valiant efforts to excersice I can now declare I am all evened out in the way I walk.

-My dogs keep running amuck when I let them outside because the huge fence blew down in a wind storm. Gotta fix that fence.

-Landlord mails me a 72 hour eviction notice. I jump with exitement. I think I pooped a little too. I have tried in the past to fart cash but with my current McDonalds situation declined to try that approach for getting money.

-I realize when walking in from getting the joyous mail that I have bare wood showing on my roof from missing shingles etc from recent wind storm. Gotta fix that. Rains coming. The joys of being a homeowner.

-The guy I adore tells me his car battery is dead and cant come see me for a planned date. I flip out and hang up on him and get really drunk. I later drunk dail him and vaguely remember telling his voice mail I hate him. The Universe is against us. The last things he says to me on a text is "well fuck you to". Nice. It was the 4th cancel from him in a row. Yes, Im such a bitch. He also has no idea of what I'm going through because I'm trying to be a good friend and woman and help him through a tougher time than I'm having so I keep my crap to myself. Yea, Fuck me to. I could use the diversion. I never can hate anyone I never loved first. I suck and am stupid.

-My 15 year old son thinks he is Bob Marley and ganja is the only thing worth pursuing. Some of the kids that have come through here lately look like The Children of The Corn or some shit. Scary. We have a problem. His grades are good. Dammit.

-This young cute policeman pounds on my door serving me with court papers informing me I am being sued by coward roomate who disappeared. Lawsuit is for return of his personal property. I immediately red line and fly about my house in a barrage of obsenities. Yes folks, its so rewarding to help your fellow man. Just super.

-Can you believe this? I'm not even finished yet.

-An idiot customer files a complaint with the Better Business Bureau on my web business because she cant follow simple customer service protocols for returns and even after refunding her money in full because shes stupid, I get a black mark on a 100% perfect 12 years in business rating. Thanks bitch. Its been a pleasure serving you.

-I get a nasty, hand written threatening piece of mail from my mortgage holder that my house insurance is about to cancel because I haven't paid them. I again jump with excitement but do not poop this time.

-My Mom decides she needs to talk to me about my tone of voice and attitude lately. She knows nothing of my severe knee pain or other storms. I decline to discuss my current attitude with her. I am a horrible daughter.

-At a doctors visit my blood pressure is 162/100. She asks me "are you under alot of stress?" I fall off the examination table while laughing semi hysterically. She asks me if its time for the straightjacket and a double dose of thorazine and I compose myself and politely decline. I'm fine, really. For some reason I smiled at the thought of Bob Marley.

-I go to landlord/tenant court to fight the coward roomate and bring a male friend with me to keep me from punching coward in the face on sight and/or help me keep my mouth under control and not land in jail when I am passionate or pissed and vent or rant. Know Thyself. I am pleased to report no physical punches were thrown, only a few verbal ones.

-Got the pleasure of me having to PAY coward 300.00 bucks for giving him a safe, clean, comfortable home to stay in as he was homeless when I let him move in. It was an added bonus to recall the fond memories of being fucked dry up my ass for the 800 bucks he owed me in back rent. Oh the joys of giving. MMmmm good.

-After an exhausting day in court fighting the good fight, I got the pleasure of dealing with another adult male roommate as he stumbled around the house drunk as fuck at 4pm in the afternoon with a lit cigarette. Not only is he stumbling drunk, he has the voice of a really annoying bullhorn in your ear because hes hard of hearing and bellows like a dumb fuck when he drinks. I order pizza for son and drunk asshole in hopes the food will help asshole pass out. Please, just pass out. And quit coming up to me at my desk and poking me with your fat, stupid, drunk finger in the shoulder over and over or I'll snap that pokey finger off like a twig. I mentally plan how to hide his body should he continue his antics. I am lucky to have a few friends that would help me do this body hiding thing.

-Male friend I took with me to court this same court day blows a huge head gasket and completely flips out on my ass because I didn't have the time or energy to discuss a 3 some he wanted to orchastrate. I am selfish. I am a user. I am hopelessly self absorbed and never care about what interests him ever. He also has no clue of what my current storm issues are. I fold. He wins. I suck. I have no chips left in which to play this game. More shoulder pokes from drunk roommate. Smoke is coming out my ears. Gears have jumped sync and are now grinding painfully to a slow halt. I remind myself to breathe.

-Pizza does not sop up enough of current drunk ass roomates booze filled stomach and he contines to drink my dwindling box of wine, which, frankly I am in much desire of. I declare him cut off, please go to sleep, yes you are pissing me off and if you burn my house down with a lit drunk cigarette I will indeed murder you with no remorse. He stomps his foot like a, well, drunk child and puts his coat on to leave and drink somewhere else. Hallaleuah my prayers are answered. He leaves to talk like a bullhorn in someone elses ear. I put away my billy club I was about to use on him. Situation diverted. Buh bye.

-I enjoy an evening of the finest boxed merlot and chatting with my girlfriends. We all decide to become lesbians and swear off men. Keep and nuture your friends. They save lives and your sanity. Oh, and boxed wine is used to get your jumped grinding gears back in sync. I bet you didn't know that.

-I throw 3 bucks worth of McDonalds shit down my throat so I dont shop for groceries at white-trash Winco hungry and am happy to report I did poop this time and only 3 hours later. Its Friday night and time for your local food borne illness Kristen. The weekend and friends are calling. Time to re energize and relax and have some well deserved fun right? Isn't that the time to get completely liquid poop? Personally I don't think so and I was pretty pissed I couldn't find a cork anywhere. I looked.

-My female dog Dolly went into heat and got blood all over the cream colored bedspread I did manage to finally get clean and broke my washer over. You go girl. What a bitch.

-My under 1 year old male dog Tator Tot is so jazzed about sniffing a bitch in heat for the first time in his brazen chihuahua life he is now taking to humping not only anyones arm that is near but he bites and throws the accent pillows on the floor and very determined and vigourusly has his way with them. I need to get that washer fixed. Eeew. I call the dog breeder lady who is now a friend and who I got Tater from and say I want a refund because this chihuahuas penis and balls are freakishly to large for his body. Another Eeeeew. She laughed and said he will grow into his 'package'. I laughed even louder because I've never seen a human man do this...what did she say? "growing into your penis thing?"

-My dating life is a joke and frustrating because everyone seems to talk out their ass and there is no follow through in what they say or profess. Maybe its just me but actions always speak louder than words. Bullshit sucks and so do posers. I can see why women turn into "cat ladies". Snort!

-Last, but SO not least. I started my period. Mother Nature is a real hoot. Really, she is.

Ok, ok....enough already you say?

So you see...life can be a storm. I'm pretty sure I've spelled out what constitutes a Shit Storm, at least in my opinion.

Are you wondering what happened? Will you tune in tomorrow or read on to see if I made it through? Will there even BE another exciting episode in the continuing saga of Kristen?

Fucking count on it.

I covered the PGE check uhm, creatively. My electricity will burn another day. My neighbor is fixing the fence. The roofer fixed my roof. The broke car part was only 40 bucks. Guy friend fixed it. Fords Rule. Mom backed off me. Now sober roommate swears off any further binge drinking. We'll see. I still have my club. Lawsuit over with. I swear off being kind and thoughtful to anyone ever again. I laugh at myself. Staved off getting evicted by paying up arrears. House insurance all good. Landlord and mortgage company removed target off my ass. Saw the whites, instead of reds of my sons eyes today. Further discussion needed though. Liquid body fluids now solid. Guy I adored grunted at me earlier on email, maybe he'll apologize someday. Maybe not. Hard one to call. Guy friend who hates me because I wasn't up for a 3 some, same deal. Hard to call.

I didn't lose. I didn't fail. I don't see it that way. I sure as shit got some more life experience though. Its all good. I got a fat insurance check from the storm damage file I claimed on my thank god I didn't get cancelled homeowners insurance. So the moral of this story is......If the storm hadn't of come, Ida never got the check that saved my ass in all those other money matters right? Fuck it. You gotta find the ray of sunshine through your storms. Sometimes you have to look realllllllly hard. I did. But I have great Karma and Karma counts. Make sure you put out what you desire back.

-I am done. Save the fork. Trust me, I am really done. And just for the record......I decided to keep on breathing and loving anyway. Fuck it. Bring it on. Personally I just wing it. Flap flap flap....Faith. Attitude. Friends. My 3 words of the day.

AC/DC wrote a song called Ride on. I choose to ride. On and on and on. It makes my heart really happy and my eyes light way up to know that some of you will be with me for the ride. I love you...I'm sure. Storm or sunshine.



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