Men Are Like Cheese by Ima Retard

One time, not at Band Camp but in my kitchen, over wine...that fancy boxed merlot wine... I declared to a friend that life is not worth living without cheese. Yes CHEESE my friends. I love cheese and Im grateful I am not lactose intolerant.

My friend looked at me like I was a a fucking retard, I know the rolly eyes look and hear that "Oh god Kristen, NOW what?" tone but in truth I am truly retarded at least half the time. (I can say retard and you can't because Im a Crip and your an Able Body...ask Timmy and Jimmy of South Park.) I get on these rants about random stuff no one cares about except me. But then again maybe I'm not aware of all the cheese lovers out there. I should get out more often.

Ok so.....

Men are like cheese.

Why? Well the 4 catagories of cheese are: soft, semi-soft, semi-hard and hard. I'm sure you can fill in the blanks on my reasoning here. Some are strong and flavorful, Some are smooth and melt heavenly in your mouth. Some are really hard and pungent and leave a nasty aftertaste. Some are sweet with a nutty undertone and go well with fruit. Some are best aged, even if they do have those blueish veins. Mmmm, flavor. Don't just look at the outer casing, open it up if you can and taste the insides. If its good, savor it. Let it lay on your tongue and get to all your senses. Some cheeses have been smoked to long and need a good airing out like a musty sleeping bag needs fresh outdoor air. Some have that scary looking science project mold on it but if your brave enough and if its your favorite type of cheese...simply carve off the icky looking stuff and enjoy the good eats under the disguise. There is alot of wonderful cheese out there. Endless tasty possabilities. Don't limit yourself. What kind of cheese do you prefer?

Next in the Ima Retard food series.."Women Are Like Whine"

~Kristen
3-15-2009

Does Dating Suck or Rock?

True Story

So we all are out there and here trying to make a connection. Am I wrong here? I don't think so. I know I am. ....looking, not wrong. Whether its just a quick hump physical connection or something more, we are all in search of it. Maybe we don't even know what it is we are specifically searching for, but we are supposed to be smart enough to know when we do find 'it'.

All I know is you should try to hang on to the good shit and connections and people you meet because we are indeed one fucked up lot here on earth. So if you can find the freaks that fit your freaks, then do NOT freak out. Embrace and nourish cause really good shit is so rare. (Forest Gump voice),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,.....'and thats all I know about that'.

Ok, so I connect with a person via the internet. Its how its done these days. Sad, but actually effective and a time saver in my opinion. Hes sweet and funny and complimentary and his freaks fit my freaks. Sounded like fun right? Ok, stay with me here. So T, I'll call him has a Masters Degree in education and got home recently from teaching in Korea. We'd discussed IQ in a random conversation and though he was well even beyond the limits of being a card carrying Member Of MENSA, he was not. He was taking mass trasit over to my part of town. The train to get here runs East to West and is about 30? miles long. I told him where I lived etc and Id meet him at the end of the line where I live and pick him up. Fine. You still with me? So as I see the 2 different timed trains come to my East end and no T, I had that weird instinct thing ding inside me. 4 seconds later T calls to tell me he accidently took the train to the complete wrong end of town and was out there in West land, at the end of the line. So I said, in the best smart ass tone I could muster, "So hows that extremely high IQ thing workin out for ya". I had to laugh because shit happens and there positively has to be some zinger in every first date right?

It's getting kind of late and I was hemming and hawing about him turning around in the correct compass direction of true East. It was going to take over an hour and I was hungry as hell and he was supposed to take me to dinner. Hmm, what to do? To aid in my decision, I hear T on the cell phone say "Ok now", and I hear a bunch of people say in unison "Give him another chance!" Huh? I said, "what was that". T said he told a bunch of strangers on the train that he was a total idiot and took the train in the complete wrong direction to see this hot chick for a first date. He asked them to wait for his signal and then they would all say "give him another chance". How fuckin adorable is that? And FUNNY, you should have heard the people on the train. Magellen he was not. True. Buy hey, any guy that can publicly compromise his dignity with humor to make me laugh and not want to bitch slap him sure has his 2nd date chance. Damn. Way cool.

So we did meet and it was fun. Some people are just worth that 2nd chance. Though he did inform me at dinner that.... No, I could NOT have the added cost and addition of a bisquit and gravy because thats how it starts. First the chick fandangles a $1.99 side menu item out of you and the next thing you know she's screamin for a Ford Excursion in the driveway. I laughed so hard the people in the restuarant thought I was having a seizure. Sometimes boys are fun and adorable and I do not want to throw rocks at them like I usually do.

So just relax guys and gals and lighten up. Dating is always at the very least, uhm...entertaining.

So. Does dating suck or rock?

~Kristen

Follow up on "to breathe or not to breathe"

My word of the day is
BALANCE. lmao;-p

your listening companion for my blog today is Amos Lee-"Keep it loose, Keep it tight"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_9_Dhi2s1Y


after I posted "to breathe or not to breathe" my friends told me it was painful and kinda funny to read. Well it was painful to live, not really so funny.... trust me, but my point was trying to find that, ANY bright spot you can out of a Shit Storm. I couldn't of handled it without your support. True Friends Rock. I love you!


Did you know the military does this? I copied this article off the net...can't remember where. Its an amazing article and makes a ton of sense....

_________________

.....He/She ended up in southeastern North Carolina at Fort Bragg, home of the Army's elite Airborne and Special Forces. This is where the Army's renowned survival school is located. It's also where they believe in something called stress inoculation. Like vaccines, a small challenge or dose of a virus in your system prepares and defends you against a bigger challenge. In other words, they expose you to pressure and suffering in training so you'll build up your immunity. It's a kind of classic psychological conditioning: the more shocks to your system, the more you're able to withstand.

(Special shout out to R.O)
__________________

After I read this I actually was relieved to know that all the shit happenings from my past were just part of my Life Training. Whew! I finally got a furlough and am currently enjoying my training break contemplating my existance while making devils food chocolate cupcakes with milk chocolate icing. Ice cold milk is a must too.

I've heard through the grapevine I'm getting a huge promotion...something about courage under fire, valor, commitment, strength of conviction and passion. I think everyone should know how to validate themselves and recognize their strengths and deficits (notice I did not use the word weaknesses). Personally I have a ton of those deficit thingys. If you stir me up somehow you might see those shiny things in me too. Stay true to yourself and remember to ask for help if you need it. I could think of worse 4 letter words besides h.e.l.p...

NEWS FLASH!!!!!!!!

A 9-1-1 call came in tonight from a 15 year old boy who frantically said he found his mother laying on the kitchen floor. He stated she was barely breathing and covered in what looked like chocolate cake batter from head to toe. He said it appeared from the 3 open boxes of cake batter mix that she could be in a chocolate coma . She was clutching 2 cupcakes in each of her hands and had a very pronounced milk mustache the boy stated and had she appeared to have rolled in all the batter on the floor. Her long hair was caked like chocolate dreadlocks and batter covered her entire face and body. The boy said she looked like Whoopi Goldberg except for the half eaten cupcake hanging out of her mouth. Emergency vehicles responded.

LATER NEWS FLASH!!!!!!!!!!

Ambulance team of Starsky and Hutch arrived on the scence and immediately began CPR on now identified Ms. Kristen of Troutdale. OR. They cleared the cupcake obstructing her airway and her oxygen levels and heart rate returned to somewhat normal. The ambulance team could not be sure if permanant brain damage was done. Ms. Nilsen was carefully taken to a nearby field and air lifted to OHSU hospital by The Chocolate Coma Team. Present condition is listed as critical.

LAST NEWS FLASH!!!!!!!!!!

Upon arrival and assesment by Oregons finest medical professionals, the report is as follows:

-Patient keeps mumbling "bring it on you fuckers" and flipping the bird over and over. 50 mg. of Rhino tranqulizer was administered. Patient quit mumbling. Wrist and ankle restraints were removed.

Ms. Nilsen is now in stable condition and threat of immediate death is not apparant. It took 4 scrub nurses (haha) to get all the caked on...pun intended....cake batter off her body and out of her hair.

Chocolate heals. Batter up!

~Kristen

To breathe or not to breathe.

To breathe or not to breathe...thats my question today. Sometimes its questionable.

Its Sunday afternoon, March 1st and its cold, gray and fiercely windy outside and it fits my mood perfectly. The last 14 days or so have literally kicked the living stuffing out of me. Like a donkey kicked me repeatedly. Just as I was about to stand up. Blam! Another kick. Fucking donkeys anyways. They're all asses. Ive gotten used to life, at least my life, being a series of ebbs and flows.......and tsunamis, earthquakes, hurricanes, lightning and thunder, cyclones and just pure shit storms. Its life.

I learned along time ago that the trick is to just keep getting up and dusting yourself off. If you need help, ask. Survey the damage around you, if any, and fix what you can, walk away from what you can't and learn how not to let it happen again in the future. There are no mistakes friends. There is only experience.

Lets see, my personal 2 week survey would include, but not limited to, the following pure Shit Storm.

-While trying to be productive in washings bedspreads and blankets, I overloaded and broke my washing machine. Water everywhere. Super. I have piles of cash saved for emergencies. Not.

-This guy I really fuckin like the best has to move to New Mexico for work. Like, pack up your life and kid and leave your family and get established and ready to start work or your job is in jeopardy and uhm...can you do it in 2 weeks or else? Neat. Its a great move for his career so I am supportive and encouraging. Its big shit. The move isn't forever and its only time and distance right? I declare I'll help in any way possible because he's really freaked out about the change. Understandable. I shove aside my own shit momentarily so I can give him my 100%. I know how to multi-task and get shit handled and done. He was in a Catagory 5 storm and I was willing to jump in beside him to help him ride out the storm. Even fight that twat Mother Nature if it came to that. Apparantly men don't like that quality in a woman. Read on.....

-I got stood up on my Valentines Day date. The Likey guy. I had other options but he canceled at the last nanosecond. How thoughtful. I understood his gears hopped. The bitch was I knew how to fix it. Fuck me. Being a loyal friend like a shiny golden dog doesn't get you shit. Ouch.

-While driving home from a fun sunday drive my car farted out a meaningful part and I had to get towed home. Got stoned while waiting and the sun was out. No big deal. Just annoying sitting along the highway praying a zillion ton semi doesn't bash into you because your a foot over the white line and in the path of traffic. No worries. Be happy.

-I was stressing over money and bills because a 18 month roomate disappeared like a coward in the night cause he owed me 800 bucks in back rent. I know. I'm such a bitch for not letting a grown man, able bodied man live here for free. The nerve of me for yelling at him. Ooops. I need to work on my confrontational attitude. I was so out of line.

-PGE electric comany man pounds on my door and smiling asks me for $256.00 bucks kinda like NOW or he is here to shut off my electricity. I smiling hand PGE man a bad check in hopes I can cover it before they cash it. Oh the joy of being a responsible adult.

-I can barely walk because while trying to do something positive for myself and lose some major poundage I go for a long walk with my friend and dogs in the woods and am repayed by a messed up knee so bad they prescribe major pain meds for relief. Neat. That was my good right knee and since I limped on my left side before, and with my valiant efforts to excersice I can now declare I am all evened out in the way I walk.

-My dogs keep running amuck when I let them outside because the huge fence blew down in a wind storm. Gotta fix that fence.

-Landlord mails me a 72 hour eviction notice. I jump with exitement. I think I pooped a little too. I have tried in the past to fart cash but with my current McDonalds situation declined to try that approach for getting money.

-I realize when walking in from getting the joyous mail that I have bare wood showing on my roof from missing shingles etc from recent wind storm. Gotta fix that. Rains coming. The joys of being a homeowner.

-The guy I adore tells me his car battery is dead and cant come see me for a planned date. I flip out and hang up on him and get really drunk. I later drunk dail him and vaguely remember telling his voice mail I hate him. The Universe is against us. The last things he says to me on a text is "well fuck you to". Nice. It was the 4th cancel from him in a row. Yes, Im such a bitch. He also has no idea of what I'm going through because I'm trying to be a good friend and woman and help him through a tougher time than I'm having so I keep my crap to myself. Yea, Fuck me to. I could use the diversion. I never can hate anyone I never loved first. I suck and am stupid.

-My 15 year old son thinks he is Bob Marley and ganja is the only thing worth pursuing. Some of the kids that have come through here lately look like The Children of The Corn or some shit. Scary. We have a problem. His grades are good. Dammit.

-This young cute policeman pounds on my door serving me with court papers informing me I am being sued by coward roomate who disappeared. Lawsuit is for return of his personal property. I immediately red line and fly about my house in a barrage of obsenities. Yes folks, its so rewarding to help your fellow man. Just super.

-Can you believe this? I'm not even finished yet.

-An idiot customer files a complaint with the Better Business Bureau on my web business because she cant follow simple customer service protocols for returns and even after refunding her money in full because shes stupid, I get a black mark on a 100% perfect 12 years in business rating. Thanks bitch. Its been a pleasure serving you.

-I get a nasty, hand written threatening piece of mail from my mortgage holder that my house insurance is about to cancel because I haven't paid them. I again jump with excitement but do not poop this time.

-My Mom decides she needs to talk to me about my tone of voice and attitude lately. She knows nothing of my severe knee pain or other storms. I decline to discuss my current attitude with her. I am a horrible daughter.

-At a doctors visit my blood pressure is 162/100. She asks me "are you under alot of stress?" I fall off the examination table while laughing semi hysterically. She asks me if its time for the straightjacket and a double dose of thorazine and I compose myself and politely decline. I'm fine, really. For some reason I smiled at the thought of Bob Marley.

-I go to landlord/tenant court to fight the coward roomate and bring a male friend with me to keep me from punching coward in the face on sight and/or help me keep my mouth under control and not land in jail when I am passionate or pissed and vent or rant. Know Thyself. I am pleased to report no physical punches were thrown, only a few verbal ones.

-Got the pleasure of me having to PAY coward 300.00 bucks for giving him a safe, clean, comfortable home to stay in as he was homeless when I let him move in. It was an added bonus to recall the fond memories of being fucked dry up my ass for the 800 bucks he owed me in back rent. Oh the joys of giving. MMmmm good.

-After an exhausting day in court fighting the good fight, I got the pleasure of dealing with another adult male roommate as he stumbled around the house drunk as fuck at 4pm in the afternoon with a lit cigarette. Not only is he stumbling drunk, he has the voice of a really annoying bullhorn in your ear because hes hard of hearing and bellows like a dumb fuck when he drinks. I order pizza for son and drunk asshole in hopes the food will help asshole pass out. Please, just pass out. And quit coming up to me at my desk and poking me with your fat, stupid, drunk finger in the shoulder over and over or I'll snap that pokey finger off like a twig. I mentally plan how to hide his body should he continue his antics. I am lucky to have a few friends that would help me do this body hiding thing.

-Male friend I took with me to court this same court day blows a huge head gasket and completely flips out on my ass because I didn't have the time or energy to discuss a 3 some he wanted to orchastrate. I am selfish. I am a user. I am hopelessly self absorbed and never care about what interests him ever. He also has no clue of what my current storm issues are. I fold. He wins. I suck. I have no chips left in which to play this game. More shoulder pokes from drunk roommate. Smoke is coming out my ears. Gears have jumped sync and are now grinding painfully to a slow halt. I remind myself to breathe.

-Pizza does not sop up enough of current drunk ass roomates booze filled stomach and he contines to drink my dwindling box of wine, which, frankly I am in much desire of. I declare him cut off, please go to sleep, yes you are pissing me off and if you burn my house down with a lit drunk cigarette I will indeed murder you with no remorse. He stomps his foot like a, well, drunk child and puts his coat on to leave and drink somewhere else. Hallaleuah my prayers are answered. He leaves to talk like a bullhorn in someone elses ear. I put away my billy club I was about to use on him. Situation diverted. Buh bye.

-I enjoy an evening of the finest boxed merlot and chatting with my girlfriends. We all decide to become lesbians and swear off men. Keep and nuture your friends. They save lives and your sanity. Oh, and boxed wine is used to get your jumped grinding gears back in sync. I bet you didn't know that.

-I throw 3 bucks worth of McDonalds shit down my throat so I dont shop for groceries at white-trash Winco hungry and am happy to report I did poop this time and only 3 hours later. Its Friday night and time for your local food borne illness Kristen. The weekend and friends are calling. Time to re energize and relax and have some well deserved fun right? Isn't that the time to get completely liquid poop? Personally I don't think so and I was pretty pissed I couldn't find a cork anywhere. I looked.

-My female dog Dolly went into heat and got blood all over the cream colored bedspread I did manage to finally get clean and broke my washer over. You go girl. What a bitch.

-My under 1 year old male dog Tator Tot is so jazzed about sniffing a bitch in heat for the first time in his brazen chihuahua life he is now taking to humping not only anyones arm that is near but he bites and throws the accent pillows on the floor and very determined and vigourusly has his way with them. I need to get that washer fixed. Eeew. I call the dog breeder lady who is now a friend and who I got Tater from and say I want a refund because this chihuahuas penis and balls are freakishly to large for his body. Another Eeeeew. She laughed and said he will grow into his 'package'. I laughed even louder because I've never seen a human man do this...what did she say? "growing into your penis thing?"

-My dating life is a joke and frustrating because everyone seems to talk out their ass and there is no follow through in what they say or profess. Maybe its just me but actions always speak louder than words. Bullshit sucks and so do posers. I can see why women turn into "cat ladies". Snort!

-Last, but SO not least. I started my period. Mother Nature is a real hoot. Really, she is.

Ok, ok....enough already you say?

So you see...life can be a storm. I'm pretty sure I've spelled out what constitutes a Shit Storm, at least in my opinion.

Are you wondering what happened? Will you tune in tomorrow or read on to see if I made it through? Will there even BE another exciting episode in the continuing saga of Kristen?

Fucking count on it.

I covered the PGE check uhm, creatively. My electricity will burn another day. My neighbor is fixing the fence. The roofer fixed my roof. The broke car part was only 40 bucks. Guy friend fixed it. Fords Rule. Mom backed off me. Now sober roommate swears off any further binge drinking. We'll see. I still have my club. Lawsuit over with. I swear off being kind and thoughtful to anyone ever again. I laugh at myself. Staved off getting evicted by paying up arrears. House insurance all good. Landlord and mortgage company removed target off my ass. Saw the whites, instead of reds of my sons eyes today. Further discussion needed though. Liquid body fluids now solid. Guy I adored grunted at me earlier on email, maybe he'll apologize someday. Maybe not. Hard one to call. Guy friend who hates me because I wasn't up for a 3 some, same deal. Hard to call.

I didn't lose. I didn't fail. I don't see it that way. I sure as shit got some more life experience though. Its all good. I got a fat insurance check from the storm damage file I claimed on my thank god I didn't get cancelled homeowners insurance. So the moral of this story is......If the storm hadn't of come, Ida never got the check that saved my ass in all those other money matters right? Fuck it. You gotta find the ray of sunshine through your storms. Sometimes you have to look realllllllly hard. I did. But I have great Karma and Karma counts. Make sure you put out what you desire back.

-I am done. Save the fork. Trust me, I am really done. And just for the record......I decided to keep on breathing and loving anyway. Fuck it. Bring it on. Personally I just wing it. Flap flap flap....Faith. Attitude. Friends. My 3 words of the day.

AC/DC wrote a song called Ride on. I choose to ride. On and on and on. It makes my heart really happy and my eyes light way up to know that some of you will be with me for the ride. I love you...I'm sure. Storm or sunshine.



"Courage is being scared to death ~ but saddling up anyway" - John Wayne" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQ9GrZ3CEyY&feature=related">

Sex and Games in the Animal Kingdom

Did you know that only 3 mammals have sex just for the pleasure of it? (Im sure theres more but for the sake of this rant you hush)

Humans, dolphins and certain species of primates

Fact: A pig’s orgasm can last for thirty minutes
Fact: Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

So if you mated a lion with a pig you could cum 1500 minutes a day? Wait! Theres only 1440 minutes in 24 hours. What the fuck? Is it like one of those cell phone plans where you can have rollover minutes? I want in! I want that plan!

Do you think that monkeys and dolphins have the same stupid drama and games trying to get laid like we humans do?

Is Mike the monkey expected to bring a pretty bushel of bananas to Martha monkeys tree limb and seranade her with "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" song? Is Marthas tree roommate going to leave so Mike and Martha can have hot wild monkey sex? Does Mike pretend he doesn't give a shit either way if he gets laid
and dons that monkey ego bullshit attitude? Does Martha keep her oppasable thumbs to herself instead of running them through Mikes hairy body like she really wants to? Does Mike brag to his friends that he took Martha like the beast he is and fucked her like a Silverback gorilla all night? Does Martha lie to her Mother and say she and her date spent the evening discussing current Jungle Affairs and playing bible word Scrabble?
Hmmmm, sounds really familiar to me. Sad but true.

What about being forthright in your desires? Oh my gawd what a concept. Being on Adult FriendFinder is a little better than the 'other vanilla' dating sites but certain decorum and manners should still apply don't you think? We all know why we are here. We are sexual beings with needs and desires and kinks and want to experience other pleasures besides that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you pay your mortgage or rent on time right?

I'd relish the way the dolphins might fuck, mate, screw, get jiggy, knock fins...however you want to say it. Dan the dolphin swaggerly swims over to the school (yard) and herds out the hot Donna dolphin from her pack of girlfriends and compliments her. Female mammals dig that, trust me. She might try to act coy, thus giving the appearance to the male that she is shy, thus (i like saying thus right now) bolstering the ego driven males confidence that he will not be shot down on his attempts to possibly mate with her. He compliments her on her free spirit and tells her he noticed how graceful she is when she swims naked at school during syncronized swimming class. She covers her bottle nose with her fin and giggles and then kicks the water with her tail fin, again feigning coyness, and says she noticed his superb ability to
herd that school of anchovies with the other dolphins yesterday. Dans slick muscular chest swells with pride and he shoots out of the water and does a playful backflip in joy that Donna noticed his manly efforts to hunt and gather. Dan and Donna glare into eachothers eyes, having to turn their heads from side to side
to see both eyes but they manage to get it done. They hold side fins and swim happily off together........with that perpetual dolphin smile.

Post Script: After hot dolphin acrobatic water sex Donna asked Dan if he had any cool male friends for a 3 some. Dan of course agreed as he didn't want to deny Donna dolphin anything because he KNEW he was her main slick squeeze but asked her if she had any wet friends, which, of course she did. They lived happily ever after but there sex life often included electric eels, blowfish, groupers, red snappers, bearded clams, ugly but delightfully tasty monkfish, geoduck(look it up, you'll get the reason why) baleen whales (no teeth) and various other sea creatures just for the halibut. (I know...go ahead and groan)

Staying Positive

I've been doing alot of seeking and growing and testing of my own personal boundaries lately. What I learned is that I am capable of boundless joy and love and laughter. I am capable of grasping the minutest thing and holding it gently in my Soul to keep and enrich me long term. I am capable of snatching any one of my hundred dreams out of my mind and bringing it to real life. My Life. That....... there are simply no boundaries.

On another note, it makes me very angry and deeply tormented that I did not know any other way before and let others peoples ideas or opinions of what I should or could be, to be whole and happy, were simply that...their thoughts. Not mine. These people are not happy or satisfied or enlightened themselves. I feel like I was a trained monkey, taught to respond to peoples approval....what society says is what you should or shouldnt be, or have , or think, or feel, or love, or keep or let go. wow. Way fucked.

Ive lusted a million times. Ive loved only a handul. I died once. I was born twice. I carried anothers Life inside my Soul and body once. Seen a thousand smiles. Believed only 100. I feel very, very fortunate.

What I'm going to keep doing is fighting the good fight. I know life isn't fair nor are the people in it. I understand I will not win all the battles but I WILL win the war. I understand not everything will involve a fight or battle. Once in a while I get to simply embrace and revel in the simple beauty that does make all the bullshit we endure worthwhile. I just feel grateful that I can still see the beauty because I know alot of people who can't, or won't.

So these pages will be filled with my unique perceptions, feelings, epiphanies, experiences and humor. I refuse to let the negative shit or people screw up my eternal optimism. Ever. If everyone in the world treated everyone like a brother or sister, just simply helped or guided eachother...then the world would be a better place. There. I just solved the worlds problems.

I hope at minimum something I say or revel will help, enlighten or just amuse you. Comments are always welcome.