How To Properly Date Yourself or Table For 1

Sherly Crow-If It Makes you Happy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vA-PcyACc40

For those of us not in a commited relationship with someone other than ourselves I think its important to know how to properly date yourself.

First-Ask yourself out. Say yes. Dont be shy.

Second-Dress up a bit. Your worth it. Look good.

Third-Pick where you want to go. Anything. Anywhere.

Fourth-Pick yourself up on time. Being late is rude.

Fifth-Open your mind to all the possibilities of scenarios and people you could meet or interact with. The world is full of them. Other People.

Six-Open the door and walk through it.

I recenty got asked out by myself and I accepted. I also decided to go to the Olive Garden for my date. Nothing like a good salad and pasta. I looked cute and had a bounce in my step and a little smile on my face as I entered the restaurant.

"Table for 1 please" I said confidently. As I walked past all the other families and dates to my solo table, I started to feel a bit weird. All by myself. Then I remembered I was on a date and not really alone.

I cozied up and perused the menu and quicly decided on my dinner. The harried waitress seemed relieved I knew what I wanted and rushed away. I scanned the big room of all the people and landed on a family of 3 small children and the 2 parents. Fun to watch.

My meal came and I enjoyed every morsel. I watched the family eating and talking and at one point the Dad got up to take his toddler son to the bathroom. The boy couldn't have been over 10 or 12 months and was very determined about placing one foot in front of the wobbly other while his Dad held his hand to walk.

They walked at the toddlers pace and were walking toward me. My mind wandered off to my now teenaged sons first steps. When toddler boy reached my table he stopped and looked directly at me smiling at him and said a loud "HI!" Now anyone with kids or a heart will understand that there is nothing more premium than a smile from a genuine person. A child. The kind of smile that goes from ear to ear and their eyes smile back at you as well. Children don;t know prejudice or color or hate or anything ugly at this age. They just ARE sincere and genuine. Beautiful works of art. I started laughing and the Dad chuckled to at his son's sudden cute outburst too. It was like the boy was saying "Hi, Im new here, on this earth. And I'm feeling groovy and just had to let you know". So HI!

I'm glad I got out of the house. It was one of the best dates I ever had.

"Courage is being scared to death ~ but saddling up anyway" - John Wayne

From the A.D.H.D mind.......

My dogs dont care if Im a freak. They dont care if I burst out in a song from my Ipod outloud and jig about the room. They dont care if I slap my own ass and sing into my thumb pretending itsa microphone. They dont care if I point at them while singing the lyrics to Brick House.....they just dont care and I adore them for that. If I had a cat it would probably huff and turn its head in disgust. Dogs look amused.

Who IS this "Buck" fellow and how did he get a last name like "Naked"?

I figure you can either run shit, or eat shit. Which one do you prefer? They both have their pros and cons.

In my opinion people are like dog/animal packs because they either:

-Fight
-Flight
-Submit
or
-confront
-avoid
-agree

What do you think? About anything? Am I the only one who thinks weird shit like this. I personally like it.

Hugs
Kristen

Half Baked

A fitting Poem by Walt Whitman-O Pioneers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAvKGeoWqyw&feature=related

Like some of you, I've dated quite a bit at my current age of 44. I could delve really deep into the sordid details of what makes a date or a man a good one or a bad one but I'll save that for another rant. I have a ton of juicy stories on that topic. Personally, Im a risk taker. I've never been afraid of the unknown. i like challenges. I am stupid and quite possibly a masochist. Hold your nose and jump into the deep end. Sink or swim. I'm just not made to be a bystander. I like to participate. I relish in any experience where I can learn something about myself, the world and the people in it. Its the most rewarding and fucking frustrating attitude to have. We all have choices. Ain't that a bitch?

Age. Numbers. How many minutes, hours, days, years we have lived on earth and what have we become to this point and what have we learned and what can we give back to those we care about? I think the scariest shit is actually doing a self assesment. Yikes! Somebody stop me?

Ive dated 15 years younger and 27 years older than myself. When I say 'date' let me bluntly say...slept with, knocked boots, gotten jiggy, howled like a wolf, and enjoyed purposely getting naked and made love with these people with gusto and passion. Im not talking a huge number, but enough to come to this conclusion....age does matter. AND age doesn't mean a damn thing. Its the person behind the number.

I tend to be attracted to men with higher intellects. I admit to getting bored easily and if a guy can stir my brain..Im all in. My loins follow my brain. If he can challenge me in a positive way, I'm all in. If I can learn something or have discussions ranging from the extremely juvenile (I think farts and burps are funny as hell) to debating who had a clearer understanding of the Universe in philisophical theory and transcending one's self (Nietzsche, Tolle, Ram Dass, Emerson etc), I'm all in. If a guy can fart and burp WHILE discussing philosophy...well thats just an added bonus in my opinion. The cherry on top.

To date I haven't found what I'm looking for. To date I have found what I'm looking for, just not in 1 person. I bet all of you have at one time or another wished you could smash all the amazing qualities from all these relationships you've had into 1 Perfect Man or Woman. I think it's really rude that you can't. Dammit! But I get what I need from the array of friends I have. I'm lucky, but I also put the time in with these awesome people and they do the same with me. True Friends. My Tribe I call them.

Shit, I had a point. Having A.D.D can really rock if you can stay focused. Obviously it's not my strong point, that focus thingy. OH. Age. I think I'm happiest in the long term with someone closer to my age, give or take a few years. People are at a certain stage at certain times and there really is no way around that. But I've met young people with old souls and older people with young souls. Go figure. Time and experience. You can't fake that or be a poser in those areas. Its an absolute. Like beauty, it just is.

I recently dated a guy 10 years younger and though he had an extremely high IQ and could have kept my interest probably for the rest of my life.... he was half baked. Not his fault. He just simply wasn't done cooking. I wanted to hug him and slug him at the same time for some of the simple courtesies he either lacked or didn't deem important enough to show me. Only time and experience may solve or fill the holes in his character, his persona and how he treats others in his life. It sucked because I accidently fell in love. I think I fell in love with the dream of what my life could be like with someone amazing, maybe not the person. I'm not sure. but it was definately love. I learned alot about what I do want and don't want. Everything counts. It was difficult letting go of a dream but not the guy. Does that make sense? Shove him back in the life oven in hopes he will evolve to that toasty yummy golden color we all seek in a friend or relationship. We were at very different places in our lives. Time. Love helps me write. Its a muse and so was he. That half baked boy.....

I also dated a guy for 3 years about 15 years ago. We were 4 years apart in age. We were in love but over time and both of us being true Alphas, we butted heads instead of hearts, even though we had the exact same goals and dreams. Our egos and pride got in the way. What each of us thought was important grew to be different. We broke up. 10 years passed. We went our separate ways. He looked me up. We connected again as just people. We both had grown, our attitudes matured and we are the very best of friends to this day. He and I often laugh at both of our shortcomings from years ago. People hopefully do evolve positively over time. I just think its fanfuckingtastic when you run into people you knew in the way past and you connect again, both of you being different, better people. We talked of trying it again but we weren't the same people anymore. He is another high ranking member of My Tribe and I couldn't imagine my life with him. He is one of the very few men I respect in character and I love him completely. Time.

There was this other guy that was 20 years older than me. It started out on a mutually understood sexual level and it was very cosmic. Tantric. Amazing. Like a chick I fell in love with the whole man. I realized my heart is an involuntary muscle. Same with the guy that was 10 years younger. Damn betraous, torturous heart. Ahhh, heavan and hell. I wanted more than he could give (what a shocker) me so we ended the relationship with me cursing the male gender again. We didn't communicate for a long time. We connected again and the great thing is we left the past in the past. We just started over as very informed friends. This guy was simply to amazing and golden inside to dismiss him completely from my life because I didn't get my way with his heart. To date he is actually the person who has made the most monumental contributions to my evolment as a person and a woman. So I love him dearly as my friend without ego or pride and its freeing and true. I learned that older men seem to be more grounded, gentle and kind in their views and attitudes about life and love. Time.

Personally I think people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I think thats written on some sappy greeting card somewhere but I believe it. The Universe works in funny, shitty, crystal clear and completely fogged ways. All I truly know is that since I choose to ask the questions and may not like all the answers or understand completely, I'm fucked. And lucky. Time.

Keep baking. Keep mining. Seek golden.

~Kristen

Fish On

I'm the type of woman that prefers worm guts under her fingernails than going shopping for shoes. Any day. I'd rather read a field guide on fishing in Oregon to Cosmo. Any day. I'm not a morning person (shut up Carol:-) but I'll get up at 4am to fish. Any Day.

One of my best memories of fishing was when I was 24 or so. I was dating a rather efeminate guy named Mork (names have been changed to protect real outdoorsmen) who's hands were softer than mine if you get my drift. He wasn't the 'manly man' type I'm usually attracted to. The word metro-sexual hadn't been invented way back then. He spent more time on his hair than I did and I had alot of hair to do. It was the 80's.

Any chance I got to take a trip it would be somewhere on Oregons amazing coastline. Its peppered with great little towns full of relaxed people who don't really care about hair do's and the current fashion trends. Its also salted with the glorious sea air and sounds and views of the Pacific ocean. It has tons of docks, lakes, bays, rivers and eddys to fish from. Oregon's coastline is perfectly seasoned. Who's Eddy?

Mork and I took ourselves and my chocolate cocker spanial Cocoa (original name huh?) to Garabaldi/Rockaway to spend the weekend. We'd been dating for about a year and we got along like peas and carrots and laughed alot together. He was not an outdoorsy kind of guy in ANY sense of the word and failed to understand my need to touch a worm or a slippery fish. When we were packing the car for the trip I brought out my fishing pole and tackle box and brought it to the trunk and Mork asked "What are you gonna do with those?" With pole in hand I said " Uhm, I thought Id do my fuckin laundry honey". Some peoples boyfriends. Sheesh.

I'd stopped on Friday night on our way into town at the local tackle shop to pick up some worms and ask where the fish were biting while Mork sat in the car. I think I told him I was picking up laundry soap and can't remember if he called me a smart ass or not. Probably. Its part of the reason we got along so well, calling eachother on our crap with a smile and humor. Sometimes I still miss him. The dork.

Those of you that do enjoy fishing know this feeling....you wake up uber early and under normal circumstances you'd throw the alarm clock across the room for the ungodly hour it woke you. But not today. You shimmy into your clothes, (boys throw clothes on, sexy fishing girls shimmy) picking shabby jeans because your going to be wiping fish blood and worm guts on them. Put the coffee on and throw some snacks in a bag. You fill a thermos, grab your dog and stuff and practically skip to the car. Though I've never spotted a man skipping to go fishing, I bet they do when no one is watching.

Its still dark and I realize in my exuberance I got up to early. Oh well. I take a nip from the pint of brandy I'd brought simply for medicinal purposes should I get snake bit or mauled by a bear (My Dad tought me well) and Cocoa and I sit in the car at Lake Lytle in Rockaway only a few blocks from the motel Mork still slept at. The sky was finally starting to lighten and I reveled in that feeling that I was the only one awake in the world or at least here on my Oregon Lake. The air was still and it was so silent. So quiet. I couldn't even hear the ocean just across Highway 101.

There was a dense fog that lay on top of the lake about 6 inches high. It was mesmerizing and beautiful and a little scary as my imagination could picture some heinous lake monster emerging with green crap dripping from it and it wanting to eat my dog, steal my brandy and possibly have its way with me. No monsters emerged but a deer did. It was light now and Cocoa and I were sitting crossed legged on the long dock just breathing and getting my pole ready to fish. This deer came out of the bushes to our right and walked daintily across the road toward the North end of the lake. It was so quiet out I could hear its hooves go crunch crunch across the gravel road. It walked down the small embankment and simply walked into the lake.

For some reason my dog didn't get excited and just sat and watched with me as the deer swam across the lake with its head bobbing in and out of the fog as it swam. Sunbeams burst out from over the tops of the Eastern mountains and lit up the lake and the deer. Fanfare For The Comman Man by classical composer Copeland played in my head. Breathtakingly beautiful. The deer swam and swam and it finally reached the eastern shore and just walked out and it stopped and turned to look at us as if to say "Liked that? didja?" and it shook itself off and trotted into the woods. Way cool.

So I cast my line on the now barely foggy lake and enjoyed the sound of zzzzzzz sound when you cast your line and the sun was finally on my face. Life is grand. I was fishing with a bobber and it took about 60 seconds before I got a hit. Quick jerk, hook set and I reel in my first trout. Nice. Today I just might be catching and not just fishing. I pulled the fish up and onto the dock, held it down, removed the hook and put it on my stringer I hoped to fill. Honestly I always feel a little guilty about killing anything in nature. Even if these trout were planted and stocked here by the Oregon wildlife and game people for the enjoyment of people like me...its still made me feel guilty. The fish was still flopping a bit and gasping for oxygen and I swear its eyeball turned to me and his moving mouth was saying "Thanks biotch. I was just at breakfast with my school friends and look what you did. Well you better enjoy my fine, 10 inch ass and eat me while I'm fresh and I hope you choke on my bones". I swear. It said that. Bonk! with my leathermans tool and no more conversations with said fish happened. Fish on.

Alot of stocked lake fish are mushy and skinny and small. Not these babies. I was reeling in really fat 8-14 inch rainbow trout like they were waiting for me. I was in fishy heaven and was halfway to getting close to my daily limit of trout. People who slept in and didn't get to enjoy the fog or the deer started showing up. Cocoa and I snagged the best end spot of the dock because I could cast to the deeper parts of the lake. A group of 3 REAL outdoorsmen came to the end where I was all wearing the fisherman vests with all the pockets for flies and other gear. They were putting fancy lures on their lines and out of the corner of my eye I saw one of them elbow the other and cocked his head in my direction like " Check out the dumb chick trying to fish with a bobber". One of them asks me with a definate superior tone, " Whatcha doin?" My first instincual response was to say "I'm doin my fuckin laundry Einstein" But I didn't. I just ignored them.

So they're casting and reeling and get no hits. 30 miniutes go by and I'd reeled in 3 more fat trout. It had slowed down a bit as the sun warmed the water and more people disturbed the quiet lake. My back was to them so they did not see what type of bait I was using. and as I ceremoniously and sloooowly put my third fish on my stringer that just happened to be in the 3 dudes eyesight, I was feeling pretty happy and a little smug because I mean...I'm justa dumb girl fishing with her puppy dog and using a girly neon pink and white bobber right? Riiiiiiiiight.

I reel in 2 more and thats my limit for the day. I pull my string of 10 fat trout out of the water and probably a little harder and louder than necessary, slap my catch on the dock and stand up. All 73 inches of me. I wish I had my camera with me to capture the dropped jaws and look on those 3 guys faces. Classic. As I grabbed my stuff and walked past them to leave 1 guy asked me, in these exact words.."Hey girly, whadya use for bait?" Without stopping to look at him I said "Itsa ancient Norweigan secret" and the 2 other guys busted up laughing and I stopped and tossed the 1 guy who never made a smart ass comment to me my container of unused worms and kept walking to my car.

I went back to the motel where Mork was still sleeping and after washing up attacked him in the very best way I knew to wake a boyfriend up. It was a glorious beach trip full of everything I could want and for dinner I tasted the best trout ever put on this earth.

Mother Nature was showing off that day and my love for Her deepened even further. I'm never lonely out in nature. Ever.

I'll take fishing over shopping. Any day.

Slug em & Hug em

The theme song for todays blog is:
Rock On by David Essex
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_mzadEFuP4



Men. Boys. Those people with penises. Those dudes from Mars. Yes, THEM. Jesus, Joseph and merciful Mary mother of God can I get a valium? Industrial size bottle please?

Don't misunderstand me. I love em. Boys and men. I have a son. Hes a boy. I have a Dad and a brother. They are men. I love them to the depths of my soul. The rest of them I want to slug the crap out of. Often and with verve. (For my best gfriend and cousin Carla-verve means with special ability or talent, with spirit and enthusiasm.) Carla helps me balance my checkbook and do my taxes and I explain any word longer than 4 letters to her. Itsa win/win situation for both of us.

I dated this one guy who told me I was like that girl on the playground that threw rocks at you or slugged you in the arm because she liked you. That summed me up accurately I thought. I then explained to him that I threw rocks at him because he's a retarded boy who possibly ate to much lead based paint chips as a smaller boy and wasn't paying close attention nor giving me the desired response I wanted so I'd peg him the head with a flying rock. Jeez, its certainly not MY fault he couldn't clearly read the bright neon sign above my head that said "I like you alot you dumb fucker".

Sheesh. Maybe I should tell those people from Mars that I have a right arm loaded with rocket fuel, throw like a dude, played first base in co-ed baseball and my aim is true. Or maybe if I just tell them that if they see my right arm wind up and cock back they might want to run, duck or hit the dirt. Some people with penises have better eyesight than others I guess. Piss me off and see what I'll throw. A shot put? A discus? Those could do some real damage. Retard, possible lead paint chip eater boy I actually adored. My jeans are getting to tight to carry rocks in my pocket anyways. Maybe all my girlfriends and I should give remedial reading classes to boys. Nah, that wouldn't work. The travel time and distance between Venus and Mars is kinda vast. As soon as they make travelling at light speed a reality, let me know. Please. Throw a rock at my head if you have to.

Instead of having to spend my time and energy throwing rocks at dumb boys, I'd rather wrap my arms around a guy and just hug em nice and warm and genuine. I love a good, solid hug that lasts awhile and you can feel the persons energy. I also dig it when you look at eachother after the hug and a big grin breaks out on both your faces because your together. A smile thats uncontrollable. Those really rock. Hugs rock and rock and rock.

Now if I can just get them to come close enough to hug them. I could bring candy bars to school and maybe bribe a few. Nah. Its not the same if they don't hug you because it just feels right and good. I'll eat the candy bars with my girlfriends and plot our next strategic move on how to get good boys to not be stupid. We better by stock in Hersheys chocolate girls. Alot of candy bars will need to be eaten.

~Kristen

Tis better to have loved and lost.....

......then never to have loved at all. Who said that? Voltare I think. If Im wrong, please correct me. I am as blind as they come. I'm as clueless and informed as the rest. But I'm smart, stupid and maybe brave enough to follow my heart, instincts and inner passions. I know what I like and love. I hope you all find it too. Love. Passion. Purpose. Don't misunderstand me, I'm as lost and confused as everyone. But I do know for a fact that there are an infinite array of shades between black and white...between love and hate. Sometimes the lines are so close they are barely visible. Keep seeking. The only other true fact I know is I don't want a life without love. But thats just me. How do you want to live your life?

The song is Enigma-Je T'Aime Till my Dying day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0k0ZmRRl7ws&feature=related

Play it now if you can and keep reading if you choose. Play it over and over. Sometimes I pretend I am talking to my God. Listening. I cry because he said He will love me until his dying day and I know He doesn't just want to just fuck me or try and use me because I was born with a vagina and He made me and made me perfect. I cry because He loves me unconditionally. He loves me in all my perfect imperfections and laughs with me because He also made Murphys Law. My God has a definate sense of humor. I couldn't understand Him if He didn't. It makes total sense and I can't pretend I really grasp any of it. I just keep trying. Thank you God for giving me tenaciousness and Faith. You Rock dude! And I think your fucking warped. I'm positive of that.

There are alot of video versions and remakes from this song but I chose a simple nature one. As love should be. Natural. Free. Constant. Of the Earth and all heavenly bodies that surround each of us. Stay open. If you keep closed and guarded to keep the bad crap out, your not really able to let the good shit in. Im going to try and stay on track here but please bare with me. I'm a feeling and passionate person. I am very ignorant and very child like in my attitudes because being an adult is the scariest shit ever and I don't want to be one some days. I just want to watch cartoons, poop, and wait to be called to dinner by my family.

This song makes me cry. Not always but often. When I'm by myself and no one is looking, I plug it in and hit the play button. I let go. Its so fantastic and freeing. I use this piece of music to remind myself why I endure the pain, the passion, the angst, torment, the gut ripping shit I personally am a fan of. Love. It peels away the armor I think I bravely and nobely put there to protect my heart and choiceless soul. I roll like a pig in sweet shit at the memory of those that I have loved. Past tense. Present tense. The future. Maybe my descripitive words sound negative, but they aren't meant to be. I'm just a realist. I try to be pragmatic but I fall short often.

Love is boundless and everywhere. The really fucked up part is we are all so afraid to reach out, without ego or pride and ask for it. Seek it. I'm done being prideful. Admittedly that is my worst habit of those 7 Sins things. Pride. The big kick in the face is when you decide to just let go of that rope you hang onto to keep shit inside you, and safe. Safe is for sissys and thats just isn't me. I want that wonderous free flowing love that is selfless, giving, warm and welcoming. It is understanding and kind and has a sense of humor. It knows when to reach out and touch every fiber of my being like electricity and it knows when to give me my space. It knows how amazing I am and what a true pain in the ass I can be. Like we all can be. It knows when to hold me close and sooth me and it knows when to kick my ass in the proper direction, should I wander off course.

The love I want will look me in the eye and tell me I'm full of shit and would I care to rephrase that comment I said out of anger or confusion. The love I want will encourage me in my passions, even if they don't totally understand them. The love I want will ask me what it needs from me. The love I want will cry with me at all the hateful, hurtful, disgusting atrocities us humans pile on eachother. It will laugh with me at all the really warped crap out there we all see but are afraid to admit we find funny too. The love I want will grow and learn and evolve and shoot out of the ground like a crocus in Spring, even through thick muddy dirt. It will rise. Always. Eventually. The love I want will know I do not have a crystal ball and gently remind or ask me how my love can help them. The love I want will run naked in the warm Summer rain and fall naked hot and laughing with me in the mud and make sweet, hot, passionate love to my body and brain. The love I want will understand the joy of peeing in nature like a wolf and even making love like one. Its all so simply glorious!

We are born of this earth and we live on it. This beautiful blue orb. We are ruining it. Its inane and stupifying to me. It renders me speechless (a rarity) and motionless sometimes because I can't believe that as we have evolved from a single cell (my opinion) we have increasingly found ways to really fuck shit up on the only thing we have to sustain us humans. We have let other multi celled creatures die off. To become extinct. Why can't we all simply LOVE eachother? Nuture and lift eachother up to wonderful heights? Why can't we drop the pride and greed crap and all live in one unified...across the globe, kind of way? Why do the rich get fatter and the poor suffer? I hate that shit! Ahhh, My A.D.D is kicking in. Imagine that. I'm trying to stay positive here and I always need help. We are so....ignorant and selfish. Why are we waiting for someone else to solve these problems that blare at us from our electronic information and recreation boxes we have in every room of our homes?

There is an immediate force to be reckoned with and its called the power of 1. You. There is an immediate force within you, the 1, its called love. Try it, cast it out to those around you that you deem worthy. Throw out some love. Bait your line with it. I'm certain someone will bite that hook. I wonder how much you'll reel in? Try it. I dare you.

Love. Glorious, golden, light heavenly love. Unconditional and free flowing. My kinda love. My dream. Dreams rock. Never give up on your dreams and never let a bad experience or person take anything golden out of you. If you do, they won. Thats the only thing I'll keep score of. Icky people 9. Golden people 100. We win. You decide. Your world. Your Life. Your love. Use it all wisely but use it or lose it my brothers and sisters. You people here with me. Again, choices.

What kind of love do you want? What kind of love to you have to offer? In my opinion, true love is selfless and without expectation of reciprocation. True love is when you become more whole by giving than receiving. True love is not martyrdom or remotely measurable. Just love people. Treat others like a brother or sister. How did something so glorious and right become so convoluted and fucked up? Something that can wound and cut us so deep? Make us afraid of it? Run and hid from it? Its my one of my many eternal questions and Im not going to stop asking, looking or loving because sometimes those we either choose to or accidently love.....don't love us back as good as we think we deserve. Then take your licks, dress your wounds, but heal. Kick the dirt. Be pissed off. Shake your fist at your God for letting you see cruelty or unjustness. Just please DO NOT fold here.

The world needs love so bad. Shit, we all do. If your shaking your head because you don't agree then your a liar. The truth can really suck. Love can really suck. Life can suck. But if truth and love aren't worth fighting for then fucking roll over and die. Give up. Fold you coward. Slap your hand of cards on the table, stand up, knock your chair over and declare your failure to live and love and contribute to the free world you are blessed enough to live on. Move aside then! Admit defeat and move on quick because there are armies of people who wish they sit where you did. It's fine. Its a choice. My only personal hope is that anyone who folds, becomes the wiser and evolves into a better person for the experience. Good or bad. Being open to love is a choice. Not all of us are cut out for the challenge.

If you declare that you do not need or require love...I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for your attitudes and I'd personally like to kick the shit out of the person or people that clouded your heart to get you to that point. Sincerely. It's definately a battle sometimes and I'm thankful my God gave me all the tools, wisdom, faith, hope and weapons I need to continue to fight for what I deem worthy. I know I won't win all the battles but I will win the war. I know it sucks to have to fight....but dammit, fight for what you need. No one cares about you more than you should. Fight for your life. I hope you find true love, clarity and personal freedom and simple exact beauty in everything you pursue.

Love rules. Love rocks. If it was always easy to obtain then it wouldn't be so cherished now, would it?

Love,
Kristen



SUCCESS is having peace within yourself and
joy in serving others that they too may find it.
May you have the light of hope, direction, and strength to be the person, the soul you were meant to be.

Defragged and Rebooted

Don't you ever just feel like some kind of machine? I know I do. Like pulsing electricity and a jumble of firing wires. Sometimes they go where they are supposed to, connect to and sometimes its like a downed power line thats spitting and jumping and flayling under its own power trying to find what it needs to be connected to. Sometimes I even freak myself out. Sometimes I freak others out. Sometimes I decide not to filter a damn thing when I write. Why should I? It's my shit and how I feel or perceive or react. Whatever. I personally am not responsible for others perceptions or interpretations. It is interesting though the range of reactions it sparked......

After I wrote and posted "Kristen's New Dating Site Ad" I received several calls and even more emails from people who care about me. That part rocked. The part that didn't rock was having to 'justify' why I wrote it. Normally I wouldn't even give a shit to even bother replying. Obviously the piece made some bells go off somewhere in some people. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for stopping whatever else you were doing to take the time to respond. I didn't ask for responses so I guess they meant more to me that they came. It was unexpected.

The responses ranged from "Haha, good one...a talking sphincter indeed", "Do you want me to hunt the bastard down that did this to you", "Do you want some company?", "Wow you sure sounded angry and hurt", to "God your such a monumental sarcastic smart ass".

Yes on the talking sphincter, no do not hunt anyone down cause I'm not vindictive, sure come over and change my views, Gee..YA THINK I sounded angry and hurt? Fuckin duh. and yes yes yes on being a smart ass. Its how I deal. How I roll. Its my M.O baby. Modus Operandi.

To put anyones mind at ease, especially my own, I am happy to report that even having every human attribute in question in the above mentioned piece snubbed out, I am fine. Even though my core foundation was severely cracked by the exclusion of simple compassion by another, actually I should say others as it was a culmination of many people....I am fine. Finer than fine. Closer to fine even. It just took me a little longer this time to stand straight up after the blow. Big fucking blow. You understand. Thank God Im in The Union. Thank God for My Tribe.

Look. See. Listen. Its how I feel, really.
Indigo Girls-Closer To Fine (will open in a separate window)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o27ugtK3i4w

AND...Spring is officially here! Wooohoo. So, here....

As I walk. as I walk.....
The Universe is walking with me.
In beauty it walks before me.
In beauty it walks beside me.
In beauty it walks behind me.
In beauty it walks below me.
In beauty it walks above me.
Beauty is on every side of me.
Beauty envelopes me.
Beauty walks with me
As I walk, as I walk.
Beauty.

~Kristen



SUCCESS is having peace within yourself and joy in serving others that they too may find it.
May you have the light of hope, direction, and strength to be the person, the soul you were meant to be.

Kristen's New Dating Site Ad

The listening companion is Cream-Strange Brew (if anything you gotta see the groovy hair and outfits and young Eric Clapton on guitar) Listening to the lyrics optional but always recommended.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3cELfFjXvY


Dating Site Ad for Kristen

43 yr old SWF in search of emotionally adrift male. Please be one in touch with living an ego based life instead of what's simply right, wrong or just plain not fucked up toward others. It really gets me hot when guys say one thing and have absolutely zilch to back it up. There is nothing sexier than a walking, talking sphincter. Im also into 'swinging' so please bring alllllll the skeletons in your closet. What fun all of us will have getting to know each other!

I love to take long walks with my special guy as well as all the woman who have ever hurt or mistreated him. I like to talk about your past lovers at length as it gets me all warm and gooey inside. I especially dig hearing about the ones you might still have strong feelings for.

I really dislike being in a loving, fun, sexy, communicative, mutually nuturing relationship so please try to feed me bullshit as often as possible if you please. It gets my panties in a sweet bunch when a guy doesn't take personal responsibility for anything they do that's icky toward anyone. We are all perfect and never fuck up right? Me too!

Can we make every conversation about you, not me or us? Do not show a sincere interest in me as a person. Yuck. Sincerity is for losers. Will you please bring your issues from 30 years ago and let me show you how wonderful life really is and then I hope my guy will have the strength of character and golden moral fiber to disappear like a fart in a wind storm because an actual blissful existence with an amazing woman challenges your balance? Cowards rule in my book! Mmmmm, so hot!

I personally never want to change or modify any crappy stuff in my life because im used to it and positively adore walking around with a steamer trunk full of unresolved issues and I love to hold onto negative things because of the warm glow they give my Soul, so I understand if you prefer to be content in your personal self induced misery as well. You must only know 1 way to be and live and should not be open to new attitudes about love, simple true pleasures, living free, evolving positively forward and upward and being content. I hate that shit.

I like deep emotional scars and think they are sexy as hell, especially when we can use them as an excuse to be sub human to our fellow brothers or sisters. Its very classy and im sure my friends would give me the 'thumbs up' if I could find those traits in a male friend, jiggy lover or soul mate. I would be repulsed if I had all 3 in one dandy man package. You are my new hero if you get or fit my dream man descriptions. Im giddy with anticipation in hope of finding The One....I can't wait to hear from you!

____________

Some will read this and recognize familiar traits we have all seen, been or are currently experiencing. Count me in amongst these. I'm very human and completely as fucked up and perfect as the rest. I figure if I asked for the exact opposite of what I've been getting in my dating/sexual life surely the Universe would play along and throw me a good bone;-)

Keep smiling and remember that though you might not win all the battles life has, with a sense of humor and a good attitude...you will win the war. Just try and know the difference on whats worth fighting for and what should be walked away from. Hell, flip it off it it makes you feel better. I do.

~Kristen

"Courage is being scared to death ~ but saddling up anyway" - John Wayne

Men Are Like Cheese by Ima Retard

One time, not at Band Camp but in my kitchen, over wine...that fancy boxed merlot wine... I declared to a friend that life is not worth living without cheese. Yes CHEESE my friends. I love cheese and Im grateful I am not lactose intolerant.

My friend looked at me like I was a a fucking retard, I know the rolly eyes look and hear that "Oh god Kristen, NOW what?" tone but in truth I am truly retarded at least half the time. (I can say retard and you can't because Im a Crip and your an Able Body...ask Timmy and Jimmy of South Park.) I get on these rants about random stuff no one cares about except me. But then again maybe I'm not aware of all the cheese lovers out there. I should get out more often.

Ok so.....

Men are like cheese.

Why? Well the 4 catagories of cheese are: soft, semi-soft, semi-hard and hard. I'm sure you can fill in the blanks on my reasoning here. Some are strong and flavorful, Some are smooth and melt heavenly in your mouth. Some are really hard and pungent and leave a nasty aftertaste. Some are sweet with a nutty undertone and go well with fruit. Some are best aged, even if they do have those blueish veins. Mmmm, flavor. Don't just look at the outer casing, open it up if you can and taste the insides. If its good, savor it. Let it lay on your tongue and get to all your senses. Some cheeses have been smoked to long and need a good airing out like a musty sleeping bag needs fresh outdoor air. Some have that scary looking science project mold on it but if your brave enough and if its your favorite type of cheese...simply carve off the icky looking stuff and enjoy the good eats under the disguise. There is alot of wonderful cheese out there. Endless tasty possabilities. Don't limit yourself. What kind of cheese do you prefer?

Next in the Ima Retard food series.."Women Are Like Whine"

~Kristen
3-15-2009

Does Dating Suck or Rock?

True Story

So we all are out there and here trying to make a connection. Am I wrong here? I don't think so. I know I am. ....looking, not wrong. Whether its just a quick hump physical connection or something more, we are all in search of it. Maybe we don't even know what it is we are specifically searching for, but we are supposed to be smart enough to know when we do find 'it'.

All I know is you should try to hang on to the good shit and connections and people you meet because we are indeed one fucked up lot here on earth. So if you can find the freaks that fit your freaks, then do NOT freak out. Embrace and nourish cause really good shit is so rare. (Forest Gump voice),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,.....'and thats all I know about that'.

Ok, so I connect with a person via the internet. Its how its done these days. Sad, but actually effective and a time saver in my opinion. Hes sweet and funny and complimentary and his freaks fit my freaks. Sounded like fun right? Ok, stay with me here. So T, I'll call him has a Masters Degree in education and got home recently from teaching in Korea. We'd discussed IQ in a random conversation and though he was well even beyond the limits of being a card carrying Member Of MENSA, he was not. He was taking mass trasit over to my part of town. The train to get here runs East to West and is about 30? miles long. I told him where I lived etc and Id meet him at the end of the line where I live and pick him up. Fine. You still with me? So as I see the 2 different timed trains come to my East end and no T, I had that weird instinct thing ding inside me. 4 seconds later T calls to tell me he accidently took the train to the complete wrong end of town and was out there in West land, at the end of the line. So I said, in the best smart ass tone I could muster, "So hows that extremely high IQ thing workin out for ya". I had to laugh because shit happens and there positively has to be some zinger in every first date right?

It's getting kind of late and I was hemming and hawing about him turning around in the correct compass direction of true East. It was going to take over an hour and I was hungry as hell and he was supposed to take me to dinner. Hmm, what to do? To aid in my decision, I hear T on the cell phone say "Ok now", and I hear a bunch of people say in unison "Give him another chance!" Huh? I said, "what was that". T said he told a bunch of strangers on the train that he was a total idiot and took the train in the complete wrong direction to see this hot chick for a first date. He asked them to wait for his signal and then they would all say "give him another chance". How fuckin adorable is that? And FUNNY, you should have heard the people on the train. Magellen he was not. True. Buy hey, any guy that can publicly compromise his dignity with humor to make me laugh and not want to bitch slap him sure has his 2nd date chance. Damn. Way cool.

So we did meet and it was fun. Some people are just worth that 2nd chance. Though he did inform me at dinner that.... No, I could NOT have the added cost and addition of a bisquit and gravy because thats how it starts. First the chick fandangles a $1.99 side menu item out of you and the next thing you know she's screamin for a Ford Excursion in the driveway. I laughed so hard the people in the restuarant thought I was having a seizure. Sometimes boys are fun and adorable and I do not want to throw rocks at them like I usually do.

So just relax guys and gals and lighten up. Dating is always at the very least, uhm...entertaining.

So. Does dating suck or rock?

~Kristen

Follow up on "to breathe or not to breathe"

My word of the day is
BALANCE. lmao;-p

your listening companion for my blog today is Amos Lee-"Keep it loose, Keep it tight"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_9_Dhi2s1Y


after I posted "to breathe or not to breathe" my friends told me it was painful and kinda funny to read. Well it was painful to live, not really so funny.... trust me, but my point was trying to find that, ANY bright spot you can out of a Shit Storm. I couldn't of handled it without your support. True Friends Rock. I love you!


Did you know the military does this? I copied this article off the net...can't remember where. Its an amazing article and makes a ton of sense....

_________________

.....He/She ended up in southeastern North Carolina at Fort Bragg, home of the Army's elite Airborne and Special Forces. This is where the Army's renowned survival school is located. It's also where they believe in something called stress inoculation. Like vaccines, a small challenge or dose of a virus in your system prepares and defends you against a bigger challenge. In other words, they expose you to pressure and suffering in training so you'll build up your immunity. It's a kind of classic psychological conditioning: the more shocks to your system, the more you're able to withstand.

(Special shout out to R.O)
__________________

After I read this I actually was relieved to know that all the shit happenings from my past were just part of my Life Training. Whew! I finally got a furlough and am currently enjoying my training break contemplating my existance while making devils food chocolate cupcakes with milk chocolate icing. Ice cold milk is a must too.

I've heard through the grapevine I'm getting a huge promotion...something about courage under fire, valor, commitment, strength of conviction and passion. I think everyone should know how to validate themselves and recognize their strengths and deficits (notice I did not use the word weaknesses). Personally I have a ton of those deficit thingys. If you stir me up somehow you might see those shiny things in me too. Stay true to yourself and remember to ask for help if you need it. I could think of worse 4 letter words besides h.e.l.p...

NEWS FLASH!!!!!!!!

A 9-1-1 call came in tonight from a 15 year old boy who frantically said he found his mother laying on the kitchen floor. He stated she was barely breathing and covered in what looked like chocolate cake batter from head to toe. He said it appeared from the 3 open boxes of cake batter mix that she could be in a chocolate coma . She was clutching 2 cupcakes in each of her hands and had a very pronounced milk mustache the boy stated and had she appeared to have rolled in all the batter on the floor. Her long hair was caked like chocolate dreadlocks and batter covered her entire face and body. The boy said she looked like Whoopi Goldberg except for the half eaten cupcake hanging out of her mouth. Emergency vehicles responded.

LATER NEWS FLASH!!!!!!!!!!

Ambulance team of Starsky and Hutch arrived on the scence and immediately began CPR on now identified Ms. Kristen of Troutdale. OR. They cleared the cupcake obstructing her airway and her oxygen levels and heart rate returned to somewhat normal. The ambulance team could not be sure if permanant brain damage was done. Ms. Nilsen was carefully taken to a nearby field and air lifted to OHSU hospital by The Chocolate Coma Team. Present condition is listed as critical.

LAST NEWS FLASH!!!!!!!!!!

Upon arrival and assesment by Oregons finest medical professionals, the report is as follows:

-Patient keeps mumbling "bring it on you fuckers" and flipping the bird over and over. 50 mg. of Rhino tranqulizer was administered. Patient quit mumbling. Wrist and ankle restraints were removed.

Ms. Nilsen is now in stable condition and threat of immediate death is not apparant. It took 4 scrub nurses (haha) to get all the caked on...pun intended....cake batter off her body and out of her hair.

Chocolate heals. Batter up!

~Kristen

To breathe or not to breathe.

To breathe or not to breathe...thats my question today. Sometimes its questionable.

Its Sunday afternoon, March 1st and its cold, gray and fiercely windy outside and it fits my mood perfectly. The last 14 days or so have literally kicked the living stuffing out of me. Like a donkey kicked me repeatedly. Just as I was about to stand up. Blam! Another kick. Fucking donkeys anyways. They're all asses. Ive gotten used to life, at least my life, being a series of ebbs and flows.......and tsunamis, earthquakes, hurricanes, lightning and thunder, cyclones and just pure shit storms. Its life.

I learned along time ago that the trick is to just keep getting up and dusting yourself off. If you need help, ask. Survey the damage around you, if any, and fix what you can, walk away from what you can't and learn how not to let it happen again in the future. There are no mistakes friends. There is only experience.

Lets see, my personal 2 week survey would include, but not limited to, the following pure Shit Storm.

-While trying to be productive in washings bedspreads and blankets, I overloaded and broke my washing machine. Water everywhere. Super. I have piles of cash saved for emergencies. Not.

-This guy I really fuckin like the best has to move to New Mexico for work. Like, pack up your life and kid and leave your family and get established and ready to start work or your job is in jeopardy and uhm...can you do it in 2 weeks or else? Neat. Its a great move for his career so I am supportive and encouraging. Its big shit. The move isn't forever and its only time and distance right? I declare I'll help in any way possible because he's really freaked out about the change. Understandable. I shove aside my own shit momentarily so I can give him my 100%. I know how to multi-task and get shit handled and done. He was in a Catagory 5 storm and I was willing to jump in beside him to help him ride out the storm. Even fight that twat Mother Nature if it came to that. Apparantly men don't like that quality in a woman. Read on.....

-I got stood up on my Valentines Day date. The Likey guy. I had other options but he canceled at the last nanosecond. How thoughtful. I understood his gears hopped. The bitch was I knew how to fix it. Fuck me. Being a loyal friend like a shiny golden dog doesn't get you shit. Ouch.

-While driving home from a fun sunday drive my car farted out a meaningful part and I had to get towed home. Got stoned while waiting and the sun was out. No big deal. Just annoying sitting along the highway praying a zillion ton semi doesn't bash into you because your a foot over the white line and in the path of traffic. No worries. Be happy.

-I was stressing over money and bills because a 18 month roomate disappeared like a coward in the night cause he owed me 800 bucks in back rent. I know. I'm such a bitch for not letting a grown man, able bodied man live here for free. The nerve of me for yelling at him. Ooops. I need to work on my confrontational attitude. I was so out of line.

-PGE electric comany man pounds on my door and smiling asks me for $256.00 bucks kinda like NOW or he is here to shut off my electricity. I smiling hand PGE man a bad check in hopes I can cover it before they cash it. Oh the joy of being a responsible adult.

-I can barely walk because while trying to do something positive for myself and lose some major poundage I go for a long walk with my friend and dogs in the woods and am repayed by a messed up knee so bad they prescribe major pain meds for relief. Neat. That was my good right knee and since I limped on my left side before, and with my valiant efforts to excersice I can now declare I am all evened out in the way I walk.

-My dogs keep running amuck when I let them outside because the huge fence blew down in a wind storm. Gotta fix that fence.

-Landlord mails me a 72 hour eviction notice. I jump with exitement. I think I pooped a little too. I have tried in the past to fart cash but with my current McDonalds situation declined to try that approach for getting money.

-I realize when walking in from getting the joyous mail that I have bare wood showing on my roof from missing shingles etc from recent wind storm. Gotta fix that. Rains coming. The joys of being a homeowner.

-The guy I adore tells me his car battery is dead and cant come see me for a planned date. I flip out and hang up on him and get really drunk. I later drunk dail him and vaguely remember telling his voice mail I hate him. The Universe is against us. The last things he says to me on a text is "well fuck you to". Nice. It was the 4th cancel from him in a row. Yes, Im such a bitch. He also has no idea of what I'm going through because I'm trying to be a good friend and woman and help him through a tougher time than I'm having so I keep my crap to myself. Yea, Fuck me to. I could use the diversion. I never can hate anyone I never loved first. I suck and am stupid.

-My 15 year old son thinks he is Bob Marley and ganja is the only thing worth pursuing. Some of the kids that have come through here lately look like The Children of The Corn or some shit. Scary. We have a problem. His grades are good. Dammit.

-This young cute policeman pounds on my door serving me with court papers informing me I am being sued by coward roomate who disappeared. Lawsuit is for return of his personal property. I immediately red line and fly about my house in a barrage of obsenities. Yes folks, its so rewarding to help your fellow man. Just super.

-Can you believe this? I'm not even finished yet.

-An idiot customer files a complaint with the Better Business Bureau on my web business because she cant follow simple customer service protocols for returns and even after refunding her money in full because shes stupid, I get a black mark on a 100% perfect 12 years in business rating. Thanks bitch. Its been a pleasure serving you.

-I get a nasty, hand written threatening piece of mail from my mortgage holder that my house insurance is about to cancel because I haven't paid them. I again jump with excitement but do not poop this time.

-My Mom decides she needs to talk to me about my tone of voice and attitude lately. She knows nothing of my severe knee pain or other storms. I decline to discuss my current attitude with her. I am a horrible daughter.

-At a doctors visit my blood pressure is 162/100. She asks me "are you under alot of stress?" I fall off the examination table while laughing semi hysterically. She asks me if its time for the straightjacket and a double dose of thorazine and I compose myself and politely decline. I'm fine, really. For some reason I smiled at the thought of Bob Marley.

-I go to landlord/tenant court to fight the coward roomate and bring a male friend with me to keep me from punching coward in the face on sight and/or help me keep my mouth under control and not land in jail when I am passionate or pissed and vent or rant. Know Thyself. I am pleased to report no physical punches were thrown, only a few verbal ones.

-Got the pleasure of me having to PAY coward 300.00 bucks for giving him a safe, clean, comfortable home to stay in as he was homeless when I let him move in. It was an added bonus to recall the fond memories of being fucked dry up my ass for the 800 bucks he owed me in back rent. Oh the joys of giving. MMmmm good.

-After an exhausting day in court fighting the good fight, I got the pleasure of dealing with another adult male roommate as he stumbled around the house drunk as fuck at 4pm in the afternoon with a lit cigarette. Not only is he stumbling drunk, he has the voice of a really annoying bullhorn in your ear because hes hard of hearing and bellows like a dumb fuck when he drinks. I order pizza for son and drunk asshole in hopes the food will help asshole pass out. Please, just pass out. And quit coming up to me at my desk and poking me with your fat, stupid, drunk finger in the shoulder over and over or I'll snap that pokey finger off like a twig. I mentally plan how to hide his body should he continue his antics. I am lucky to have a few friends that would help me do this body hiding thing.

-Male friend I took with me to court this same court day blows a huge head gasket and completely flips out on my ass because I didn't have the time or energy to discuss a 3 some he wanted to orchastrate. I am selfish. I am a user. I am hopelessly self absorbed and never care about what interests him ever. He also has no clue of what my current storm issues are. I fold. He wins. I suck. I have no chips left in which to play this game. More shoulder pokes from drunk roommate. Smoke is coming out my ears. Gears have jumped sync and are now grinding painfully to a slow halt. I remind myself to breathe.

-Pizza does not sop up enough of current drunk ass roomates booze filled stomach and he contines to drink my dwindling box of wine, which, frankly I am in much desire of. I declare him cut off, please go to sleep, yes you are pissing me off and if you burn my house down with a lit drunk cigarette I will indeed murder you with no remorse. He stomps his foot like a, well, drunk child and puts his coat on to leave and drink somewhere else. Hallaleuah my prayers are answered. He leaves to talk like a bullhorn in someone elses ear. I put away my billy club I was about to use on him. Situation diverted. Buh bye.

-I enjoy an evening of the finest boxed merlot and chatting with my girlfriends. We all decide to become lesbians and swear off men. Keep and nuture your friends. They save lives and your sanity. Oh, and boxed wine is used to get your jumped grinding gears back in sync. I bet you didn't know that.

-I throw 3 bucks worth of McDonalds shit down my throat so I dont shop for groceries at white-trash Winco hungry and am happy to report I did poop this time and only 3 hours later. Its Friday night and time for your local food borne illness Kristen. The weekend and friends are calling. Time to re energize and relax and have some well deserved fun right? Isn't that the time to get completely liquid poop? Personally I don't think so and I was pretty pissed I couldn't find a cork anywhere. I looked.

-My female dog Dolly went into heat and got blood all over the cream colored bedspread I did manage to finally get clean and broke my washer over. You go girl. What a bitch.

-My under 1 year old male dog Tator Tot is so jazzed about sniffing a bitch in heat for the first time in his brazen chihuahua life he is now taking to humping not only anyones arm that is near but he bites and throws the accent pillows on the floor and very determined and vigourusly has his way with them. I need to get that washer fixed. Eeew. I call the dog breeder lady who is now a friend and who I got Tater from and say I want a refund because this chihuahuas penis and balls are freakishly to large for his body. Another Eeeeew. She laughed and said he will grow into his 'package'. I laughed even louder because I've never seen a human man do this...what did she say? "growing into your penis thing?"

-My dating life is a joke and frustrating because everyone seems to talk out their ass and there is no follow through in what they say or profess. Maybe its just me but actions always speak louder than words. Bullshit sucks and so do posers. I can see why women turn into "cat ladies". Snort!

-Last, but SO not least. I started my period. Mother Nature is a real hoot. Really, she is.

Ok, ok....enough already you say?

So you see...life can be a storm. I'm pretty sure I've spelled out what constitutes a Shit Storm, at least in my opinion.

Are you wondering what happened? Will you tune in tomorrow or read on to see if I made it through? Will there even BE another exciting episode in the continuing saga of Kristen?

Fucking count on it.

I covered the PGE check uhm, creatively. My electricity will burn another day. My neighbor is fixing the fence. The roofer fixed my roof. The broke car part was only 40 bucks. Guy friend fixed it. Fords Rule. Mom backed off me. Now sober roommate swears off any further binge drinking. We'll see. I still have my club. Lawsuit over with. I swear off being kind and thoughtful to anyone ever again. I laugh at myself. Staved off getting evicted by paying up arrears. House insurance all good. Landlord and mortgage company removed target off my ass. Saw the whites, instead of reds of my sons eyes today. Further discussion needed though. Liquid body fluids now solid. Guy I adored grunted at me earlier on email, maybe he'll apologize someday. Maybe not. Hard one to call. Guy friend who hates me because I wasn't up for a 3 some, same deal. Hard to call.

I didn't lose. I didn't fail. I don't see it that way. I sure as shit got some more life experience though. Its all good. I got a fat insurance check from the storm damage file I claimed on my thank god I didn't get cancelled homeowners insurance. So the moral of this story is......If the storm hadn't of come, Ida never got the check that saved my ass in all those other money matters right? Fuck it. You gotta find the ray of sunshine through your storms. Sometimes you have to look realllllllly hard. I did. But I have great Karma and Karma counts. Make sure you put out what you desire back.

-I am done. Save the fork. Trust me, I am really done. And just for the record......I decided to keep on breathing and loving anyway. Fuck it. Bring it on. Personally I just wing it. Flap flap flap....Faith. Attitude. Friends. My 3 words of the day.

AC/DC wrote a song called Ride on. I choose to ride. On and on and on. It makes my heart really happy and my eyes light way up to know that some of you will be with me for the ride. I love you...I'm sure. Storm or sunshine.



"Courage is being scared to death ~ but saddling up anyway" - John Wayne" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQ9GrZ3CEyY&feature=related">

Sex and Games in the Animal Kingdom

Did you know that only 3 mammals have sex just for the pleasure of it? (Im sure theres more but for the sake of this rant you hush)

Humans, dolphins and certain species of primates

Fact: A pig’s orgasm can last for thirty minutes
Fact: Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

So if you mated a lion with a pig you could cum 1500 minutes a day? Wait! Theres only 1440 minutes in 24 hours. What the fuck? Is it like one of those cell phone plans where you can have rollover minutes? I want in! I want that plan!

Do you think that monkeys and dolphins have the same stupid drama and games trying to get laid like we humans do?

Is Mike the monkey expected to bring a pretty bushel of bananas to Martha monkeys tree limb and seranade her with "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" song? Is Marthas tree roommate going to leave so Mike and Martha can have hot wild monkey sex? Does Mike pretend he doesn't give a shit either way if he gets laid
and dons that monkey ego bullshit attitude? Does Martha keep her oppasable thumbs to herself instead of running them through Mikes hairy body like she really wants to? Does Mike brag to his friends that he took Martha like the beast he is and fucked her like a Silverback gorilla all night? Does Martha lie to her Mother and say she and her date spent the evening discussing current Jungle Affairs and playing bible word Scrabble?
Hmmmm, sounds really familiar to me. Sad but true.

What about being forthright in your desires? Oh my gawd what a concept. Being on Adult FriendFinder is a little better than the 'other vanilla' dating sites but certain decorum and manners should still apply don't you think? We all know why we are here. We are sexual beings with needs and desires and kinks and want to experience other pleasures besides that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you pay your mortgage or rent on time right?

I'd relish the way the dolphins might fuck, mate, screw, get jiggy, knock fins...however you want to say it. Dan the dolphin swaggerly swims over to the school (yard) and herds out the hot Donna dolphin from her pack of girlfriends and compliments her. Female mammals dig that, trust me. She might try to act coy, thus giving the appearance to the male that she is shy, thus (i like saying thus right now) bolstering the ego driven males confidence that he will not be shot down on his attempts to possibly mate with her. He compliments her on her free spirit and tells her he noticed how graceful she is when she swims naked at school during syncronized swimming class. She covers her bottle nose with her fin and giggles and then kicks the water with her tail fin, again feigning coyness, and says she noticed his superb ability to
herd that school of anchovies with the other dolphins yesterday. Dans slick muscular chest swells with pride and he shoots out of the water and does a playful backflip in joy that Donna noticed his manly efforts to hunt and gather. Dan and Donna glare into eachothers eyes, having to turn their heads from side to side
to see both eyes but they manage to get it done. They hold side fins and swim happily off together........with that perpetual dolphin smile.

Post Script: After hot dolphin acrobatic water sex Donna asked Dan if he had any cool male friends for a 3 some. Dan of course agreed as he didn't want to deny Donna dolphin anything because he KNEW he was her main slick squeeze but asked her if she had any wet friends, which, of course she did. They lived happily ever after but there sex life often included electric eels, blowfish, groupers, red snappers, bearded clams, ugly but delightfully tasty monkfish, geoduck(look it up, you'll get the reason why) baleen whales (no teeth) and various other sea creatures just for the halibut. (I know...go ahead and groan)

Staying Positive

I've been doing alot of seeking and growing and testing of my own personal boundaries lately. What I learned is that I am capable of boundless joy and love and laughter. I am capable of grasping the minutest thing and holding it gently in my Soul to keep and enrich me long term. I am capable of snatching any one of my hundred dreams out of my mind and bringing it to real life. My Life. That....... there are simply no boundaries.

On another note, it makes me very angry and deeply tormented that I did not know any other way before and let others peoples ideas or opinions of what I should or could be, to be whole and happy, were simply that...their thoughts. Not mine. These people are not happy or satisfied or enlightened themselves. I feel like I was a trained monkey, taught to respond to peoples approval....what society says is what you should or shouldnt be, or have , or think, or feel, or love, or keep or let go. wow. Way fucked.

Ive lusted a million times. Ive loved only a handul. I died once. I was born twice. I carried anothers Life inside my Soul and body once. Seen a thousand smiles. Believed only 100. I feel very, very fortunate.

What I'm going to keep doing is fighting the good fight. I know life isn't fair nor are the people in it. I understand I will not win all the battles but I WILL win the war. I understand not everything will involve a fight or battle. Once in a while I get to simply embrace and revel in the simple beauty that does make all the bullshit we endure worthwhile. I just feel grateful that I can still see the beauty because I know alot of people who can't, or won't.

So these pages will be filled with my unique perceptions, feelings, epiphanies, experiences and humor. I refuse to let the negative shit or people screw up my eternal optimism. Ever. If everyone in the world treated everyone like a brother or sister, just simply helped or guided eachother...then the world would be a better place. There. I just solved the worlds problems.

I hope at minimum something I say or revel will help, enlighten or just amuse you. Comments are always welcome.